


Burning Bullets

by Halawen



Category: Degrassi
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Psychological Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 09:24:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 33,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6512617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halawen/pseuds/Halawen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three DeGrassi students snap and the entire school is subject to their insanity with a school shooting!   The aftermath leaves students reeling and trying to cope.  Maya and Clare hang to sanity by a thread, can their friends help them heal?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Burning Bullets

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning! In case you couldn’t glean it from the title and didn’t read the description this story is about a school shooting. It’s dramatic and not happy and as I tend to be rather vivid in my writing it is vivid at some points.
> 
> This takes place roughly a week after school elections.
> 
> This is dedicated to my friend Stacey as it was her idea to do a school shooting.
> 
> Pov jumps around a lot, sorry but there was a lot to cover.

 

**(HARRY)**

“You sure this buddy of yours will come through?”  I ask Damian.

 

“He’ll come through, he hates this school as much as we do,” Damian replies.

 

“I don’t hate the school just one person, you two can kill as many people as you want I’m only after one,” Talia comments.

 

“I’m really just after two but I can think of couple other’s it might be worth offing if they get in my way,” I respond.

 

“I don’t care who dies,” Damian shrugs just as there’s a knock at the metal door leading to outside.

 

We’d been planning this for weeks, we’d picked the perfect time on the perfect day.  It was raining so basically everyone was eating inside, most of them in the caf which would make them easy to find.  Like shooting fish and a barrel and we’d been practicing shooting double barrel shotguns and every small handgun we could get our hands on for weeks.  The teachers were having a staff meeting so all but a few of them were eating in the staff lounge and we had already barricaded that door from the outside.  Damian got one of his buddies from the ravine to sneak us in several guns and a cell phone jammer to keep anyone from calling out.  Damian opens the door and his buddy hands him a black duffel bag soaked by the rain which gives it this musty smell. 

 

“You cut the phone lines?”  Damian asks the kid.

 

“Yep all cut,” the kid nods.

 

“Good now get out of here,” Damian says and closes the door then we put a heavy chain lock on it.

 

“We better take out the cop at the front doors first and lock up those doors,” I comment.

 

Damian gets out the cell phone jammer and switches it on, we take it out to the hall and he hides it on top of some lockers. 

 

“Keep it quiet when you shoot the officer at the door,” Damian tells me.

 

“What are you doing?”  I ask taking an automatic handgun from the duffel. 

 

“Talia and I need to go block all the doors to outside so no one can escape,” he responds.

 

“We’ll meet in the storage room with our chosen victims; I think they should be executed all together,” Talia smiles in excitement.

 

I grin and hide the gun in my hoodie pocket walking to the front doors, I walk behind the officer at the door, pull out the gun holding it to his back and firing straight through his chest before he can even turn around.  There’s a popping sound and the gun kicks back but it isn’t very loud, not loud enough to even draw out anyone to the halls.  The officer drops to the floor with a squeaking gurgling breath.  A pool of blood begins to form around his body but the officer is still alive so I lean over placing the gun to his head and pull the trigger!

 

**(MAYA)**

“It’s awfully quiet with all the teachers in the meeting,” Tori remarks as we all sit down to eat.

 

“I like it better that way,” Tris replies.

 

“You guys ready for the French test tomorrow?”  I question before taking a bite of my sandwich.

 

“No,” Zig says shaking his head.

 

“I can help you study Zig; you could come over aft…” I stop talking when I hear several loud bangs like fireworks but very close.

 

The caf goes silent and everyone looks at the origin of the noises.  Time seems to slow down as I realize it’s Harry!  He’s standing there holding a gun above his head and I realize he just fired into the ceiling; the only thing I can think is this can’t be real!

 

“Harry what are you doing?”  Asks one of the lunch ladies trying to take control.

 

“Shut up!  I’ve already killed once,” Harry yells at them but he’s been looking at our table the whole time.

 

“You don’t need to be doing this,” another lunch lady says to him in a calm voice.

 

She tries to approach him but Harry turns and fires the gun right at her!  I don’t see where it hits her but she falls back and doesn’t get up again!  People start whispering and moving all of a sudden and Tori starts screaming! 

 

“EVERYBODY SHUT THE HELL UP AND STAY STILL!”  Harry yells firing the gun in the air again.  The caf goes silent and still again all except for Tori who can’t seem to stop screaming!  “I SAID SHUT UP!”  Harry yells again as he runs over to our table. 

 

When Tori still won’t stop Harry raises the gun shoots her in the head from less than a half a meter away.  I scream as Tori’s blood splatters on me and she falls to the ground dead!  I only scream once though and then go silent again, nearly falling to ground because my legs give way but Zig catches me. 

 

“What the hell is wrong with you?!”  Tris exclaims aloud unable to look away from Tori on the ground. 

 

Harry raises the gun again but Zig lets go of me enough to move and he hits the gun away from Tristan’s head.  The gun goes off, there’s a bright flash and then Tris makes a painful scream!  He clutches his arm, blood starts seeping through his fingers, he looks at the blood and then falls, hitting his head on a chair as he goes down and his eyes close!

 

“You two come with me!”  Harry demands pointing the gun right at Zig’s head!

 

I begin crying, tears streaming down my cheeks uncontrollably and I can’t move!  Zig takes my arm and pulls me with him as we begin to walk out of the caf but I’m crying too hard to see anything.  Harry warns that anyone who follows us will be shot in the head just as we go through the door.

 

**(OWEN)**

“It’s a good thing this rain won’t disrupt our practice,” Dallas remarks as I put the barbell back in its place.

 

“Yeah no kidding, I know we need the rain but I wish it didn’t make the caf so damn full, there was nowhere to eat,” Drew gripes.

 

“Which is why we’re working out in the weight room first and eating after when the caf isn’t so full,” Luke comments.

 

“Yeah then we go into the caf glistening with sweat and smelling like man the girls will go nuts!”  I smile.

 

“Speak for yourself dude I have a fiancé,” Drew grins and I know he’s thinking about Bianca.

 

“Yeah and I don’t think the girl I want to go crazy eats in the caf,” Dallas says.

 

“So who you got your eye on this t…” my question is cut off when I hear a bunch of blood curdling screams from the hall.

 

We all freeze and look out the windows, people are running and girls are screaming.  It’s like a scene from a monster movie when everyone is running from the monster!  We all drop what we’re doing and rush to the doors.

 

“WHAT?!”  Dallas yells but no one listens.

 

“Ingvar what’s going on?!”  I question catching the fellow Ice Hound by the arm.

 

“Someone has gun, shot people in the caf,” he says in his broken English and then he looks me directly in the eyes.  “You’re brother shot!”

 

I let go of him and start running for the caf, I don’t give a fuck if someone does have a gun Tris has been shot!  He could be dead and I need to find him.  I hear running footsteps close on my heels and I know it’s Drew, Dallas and Luke.  I’m sure Drew is worried about Adam and Bianca, Luke is worried about his sister no doubt and Dallas must be worried about Adam too.  I reach the caf and run in; there are several students and one lunch lady kneeling around someone I know to be Tris from his shoes.

 

“MOVE!  Get out of my way!”  I yell and people start to back off.

 

A few people move away and I run over kneeling by Tris.  There’s blood running down his arm!  I look him over but the wound on his arm seems to be the worst of it, and thankfully it’s a though and through and nowhere near the artery.  He has a small bump on his head; he must have hit it when he fell.  Tris groans and his eyes start to flutter, I carefully pick my brother’s head up putting it in my lap as he shows signs of coming back to conciousness.  People shift again and I now notice that Tori is dead and lying right next to Tris!

 

“It was Harry, he came in with a gun, he shot one of the lunch ladies and when Tori wouldn’t stop screaming he shot her.  Tris tried asked what was wrong with him and he shot Tris!  Zig hit the gun and Tris got shot in the arm, then Harry took Zig and Maya with him.  He said anyone that followed him would be shot in the head.  We tried our phones they aren’t working,” Cordelia, a girl in Tris’ class tells me quickly as she wipes away some tears.

 

“Owen?”  Tris asks opening his eyes.

 

“Yeah I’m here buddy,” I tell him.

 

“Tor…” Tris starts but he’s pretty weak.

 

“I know, now lies still,” I command him as the lunch lady finishes wrapping Tristan’s arm in a bandage.

 

“Who the fuck is Harry?”  Luke inquires but before anyone can say anything the PA comes on.

 

“Claaaare!”  This very shrill and taunting voice says over the PA and her voice causes feedback.  I have no fucking idea who Harry is but I only know one Clare at this school and she happens to be the best friend of Drew’s little brother.  I look up at Drew, he exchanges a look with me, Dallas and Luke but the voice is still talking.  “Clare I can’t find you and I’m getting very annoyed.  I don’t know where you’re hiding you tricky bitch but if you don’t come out then I’m just going to start killing people.  You have two minutes, tick tock tick tock which of your friends will I shoot first with my glock?”

 

“Okay who the fuck is that crazy bitch and why is she after Clare?!”  Dallas demands.

 

**(ADAM)**

“Do you want the interior shot of the hall or the science room…Eli?”  I question my best friend when he doesn’t seem to be paying attention. 

 

I wave my hand in front of his face and then hit his arm to get him to pay attention. 

 

“What?”  He asks.

 

“I think she said she was eating in the newspaper office why don’t you just go talk to her?”  I inquire knowing that look on his face well; it means he’s thinking of Clare.

 

“Because I screwed up bad the last time and then I broke up with her, she won’t even look at me in the hall I don’t think she’ll talk to me.  I’m paying attention we’ll cut to the…”

 

Eli stops talking when we hear a lot of loud popping sounds in the hallway.  The sounds echo off the lockers and then it’s chaos, kids are running, girls are screaming and the sounds won’t stop.  Eli and I hop up and look out, around the corner to where the sounds are coming from and the opposite direction of where kids are running from.  We see one kid, I think he’s in grade 9, he’s stalky with a grey hoodie and dark tattered jeans; he’s got very short buzzed hair and a gun in each hand!  We watch as he raises the guns and shoots randomly at a group of students at the other end of the hall.  The students are ones we know including Mo, Marisol, Jenna, Dave, Alli, Fiona and Imogen!  There are many quick popping noises and then they all drop to the ground and blood appears seeping through their clothes and pooling on the ground!  I can’t tell how many were hit or how bad all I can see is the blood!  It doesn’t feel like what I’m watching is real, time seems to be moving slower, I just freeze and watch the scene, I can’t seem to move.

 

“Adam we need to get back in the classroom, we need to hide!”  Eli says.  I hear him but his voice is fuzzy and sort of sounds like he’s underwater, I still can’t seem to move so he grabs my arm and pulls me back.  “Adam!”  Eli snaps again and I move.

 

We run back into the resource center and look around but it’s a room completely enclosed by glass, there is nowhere to hide.

 

“There’s a janitor’s closet right across the hall,” I tell Eli and we run as we hear more popping sounds. 

 

I open the door and we go in, Eli locks the door, we crouch down and kind of huddle together.  Now that we’re somewhere that seems safe I start shaking and my thoughts turn to everyone else in the school that I care about.  Drew is my first thought, my older brother who’s always been there for me and gotten me through so much.  Then Clare, my other best friend, currently not speaking to Eli after he broke her heart, again.  Clare, Eli and I have been through a lot together; we were always there for each other whether they were dating, friends or avoiding each other.  Then Becky, my girlfriend, the only girl who’s ever really fought for me and lastly I think of Dallas, my billet brother, he could be a jerk but if he counted you among his friends he was protective of you and a good friend.  I pull my phone out of my pocket but there’s no signal.

 

“My phone’s not working,” I tell Eli.

 

He pulls his out of his pocket and shakes his head.  “Who was that kid?  Why is he shooting at people?  He shot Imogen and Fiona!”  Eli starts to rant, he must be thinking about people too.

 

“I don’t know!  I’ve never seen that kid!  What about Mo, Jenna, Dave and the others?!  He shot at them Eli they could be dead!  I have to find my brother, I have to find…”

 

“Claaaare!” 

 

It’s not my voice that says her name; it’s spoken over the intercom in a taunting and shrill tone.  I look at Eli, barely able to see him the dark closet, the only light is coming from under the door.  Eli has gone entirely pale, my heart is pounding through my chest and I can hear his beating at rapid speed as well.  We listen as the shrill female voice taunts Clare to come out of hiding or she’ll start killing people.

 

“It’s Talia this is my fault,” Eli says quietly.

 

“That girl that gave you the drugs?!  Why is she after Clare?  How is this your fault?”  I question rapidly.

 

“After I broke up with Clare I was hurting, Talia gave me some more MDMA and we hooked up.  Talia thought it meant something that we were together now and I told her I was still in love with Clare and it meant nothing,” Eli confesses.

 

“If she’s threatening to kill people because of that then she really is insane.  That also doesn’t explain that other kid in the hall shooting at people but we have to find Clare,” I tell him standing up; I simply can’t let this girl find Clare.

 

Eli nods and we slowly open the door, peaking cautiously out to the hallway.

 

**(CLARE)**

I took a bite of my sushi and continued typing, determined to get this article for the school paper done before lunch was over.  It wasn’t due until tomorrow but since our breakup a few weeks ago I had been carefully avoiding Eli, and I knew he was still working on his movie.  My rapid typing on the keyboard was nearly in rhythm with the pounding rain on the roof.  I was the only one in the newspaper office and it was quite peaceful but that peace was suddenly broken when I hear a sound like a firecracker in the hall and then screaming.  For a second I wonder why someone is setting off firecrackers in the school and then it occurs to me that it was a gun!  The sound bringing me back to a few years ago, being in the woods by the ravine with Jay and Spinner, they were using a hand gun, Jay took from his stepdad, to shoot at trees for target practice.  They even let me try once and the kickback nearly knocked me and Spinner over but I know the sound of gunfire and that was it!  The fear kicks in and my flight response, I get up and run into the electrical room at the back of the newspaper office, leaving my backpack and all of my stuff.  I curl up and just start trembling from fear, I have no idea what’s going on or who could be hurt but I can’t move and then a voice calls for me over the intercom.

 

“Claaaare!  Clare I can’t find you and I’m getting very annoyed.  I don’t know where you’re hiding you tricky bitch but if you don’t come out then I’m just going to start killing people.  You have two minutes, tick tock tick tock which of your friends will I shoot first with my glock?”

 

The female voice is vaguely familiar but my mind is so frenzied right now I can’t place it.  Doesn’t matter though she’s threatening to shoot more people if I don’t come out, I’m petrified, scared out of my mind and shaking so hard I can barely move but I can’t let people die because some crazy girl is looking for me.  Gripping the door handle tightly I manage to stand and leave the electrical room, tears, hot stinging tears of terror and tears of anger that this is even happening, race down my face falling to the floor.  I slowly make my way to the newspaper office door with small, shaky steps.  The hallway is empty but I hear more gunshots coming from near the resource center and distant screaming from other parts of the school. 

 

I try to call out to this girl that I’m hear but my voice doesn’t seem to work so I walk toward the office because she must be there or near there if she was using the PA system.  As I get close I see her, she has dirty blonde hair and takes notice of me.  Looking up with a disturbingly pleased grin creeping over her face, her eyes seem dead and hollow.  It’s that girl who gave Eli the MDMA; I can’t remember her name just now.  I have no idea why she’s after me, a million thoughts race through my mind.  Everyone I care about or have ever loved flashes in my mind and then everything stops as Talia raises the gun at me and it becomes all I see! 

 

**(ZIG)**

Maya is crying hysterically and clinging tightly to my arm as Harry walks behind us, keeping the gun to my head and reminding me that he could pull the trigger at any minute.  My heart is pounding, I think about my mom and the fact that I might never see her again.  The image of Tori, my first girlfriend, lying in a pool of blood with a hole in her head on the floor of the caf stays in my mind and I cling to hope that Tris is okay because we were taken by Harry before we could find out.  I want to cry and freak out just like Maya is but I’m too afraid that Harry will just shoot me if I do.  So I force myself to stay as calm as I can on the outside even though inside I’m freaking out.  We just heard Talia calling for Clare, the only Clare I know is Adam’s best friend and Eli’s ex.  I don’t think Maya heard it though she’s too hysterical. 

 

“Hey Harry I need more guns, these two are out of bullets,” Damian’s voice startles me but his words make me ill.

 

I’ve known Damian for years, he’s been one of my closest friends since we were eight and now he’s running up to us with blood on his clothes and guns in his hands!  He’s looking right through us, like he doesn’t even see us, like he doesn’t care at all that Harry has a gun to my head and then it occurs to me that he doesn’t care!

 

“You took the duffel where is it?”  Harry asks him shoving me forward.

 

“In the storage room,” Damian replies.

 

“Good that’s where I’m taking these two,” Harry says.

 

Damian opens the door to the storage room and Harry shoves me in, Maya comes with me as she’s clinging to my arm.  Harry tells us to go to the back of the room and so I put an arm around Maya and walk us back there. 

 

“Damian why are you doing this?”  I ask him as he opens a black duffel and gets out three more guns.

 

“Why?  Because it’s fun Zigmund, because I’m tired of being ignored by everyone including the people I thought were my friends.  As soon as princess Tori and her precious friends took you back you dropped me!  You have your precious band and all your cool friends and I became less that dirt to you!  All you cared about was being near Maya and pretending like I don’t exist and that fucking blonde bitch that you’re so horny over acts like she’s better than me!”  Damian says in a crazed voice standing up and holding up one of the fresh guns to Maya!  She makes a choked sort of scream and I stand in front of her putting my hand up to Damian in surrender and hoping he doesn’t fire.  “People can’t ignore me any longer!  People can’t ignore this!”  He says waving the gun and firing it at the sofa just behind us!  “People don’t ignore me anymore, they’re afraid now.” 

 

The person I thought I knew, the boy I grew up with I don’t know at all, he’s psychotic!

 

“Harry,” Maya says in a shaky and timid voice, “why?”

 

“You were all over me at that party, you kissed me in the halls and then you drop me as soon as that moron looked your way again!”  Harry responds sounding just as crazy as Damian.  “I liked you and you used me and dropped me,” Harry raises the gun to my head and Damian starts laughing.

 

“Yeah shoot him!  Shoot him in the head!”  Damian laughs like a hyena and I see Harry’s finger flexing on the trigger like he’s about to pull it.

 

Maya screams again and all I can see is the barrel of the gun!

 

**(OWEN)**

“Are Maya and Zi…” Tris starts to ask.

 

“I don’t know, they were taken by some Harry kid,” I tell Tris as the caf door opens again.

 

I look up to see Mr. Townsend come in with the Bright Sparks.  At least I know K.C. and Bianca are okay, Connor too but I don’t know any of the other Bright Sparks.  Drew sees Bi and they run for each other embracing tightly and happy that the other is okay.

 

“Are guys okay?  What the hell hap…oh God Tris!”  Bianca says seeing my brother on floor.

 

“He’s okay, it went through his arm,” I tell her and she looks over at Tori’s dead body.

 

Mr. Townsend comes over and looks at Tris carefully, K.C. and Connor following behind.

 

“Some girl was calling for Clare over the PA have you guys seen her?”  K.C. asks.

 

“No, I don’t know where she is and I have no idea where Adam is either,” Drew replies.

 

“They’re using a cell phone jammer we can’t get a signal out,” Connor tells us.

 

“The phone lines have been cut too and I haven’t seen Simpson or any other teachers.  They were all in a meeting in the teacher’s lounge; they have to be trapped in there or…” Townsend doesn’t finish his sentence.

 

“I have to go find Adam, stay here,” Drew says to Bianca.

 

“No there’s at least one crazy person out there with a gun,” Bianca shakes her head.

 

“I know but I have to find my brother, stay here and barricade the door,” Drew instructs.

 

“I gotta find Becky,” Luke nods.

 

“I’m coming too, I need find out who this chick is that’s after Clare,” Dallas remarks.

 

“Yeah and I’d like to know that too and get some goddamn help in here before Tris bleeds…” I start to say out but don’t finish as my brother is slipping in and out of consciousness and I don’t want him to hear me or think that thought.

 

“You kids can’t just leave there is at least one armed gunman out there, we need to stay put for the cops” Townsend tells us.

 

“I don’t care I need to find Adam and hopefully Clare,” Drew says.

 

“Then I’m coming with you,” Bianca insists.

 

“No stay here and lock the doors where I know you’ll be safe,” Drew asserts

 

“Find Adam and Clare and comeback to me,” Bianca says kissing her fiancé.

 

“K.C. take care of my brother we’ll be back,” I tell him and he nods kneeling down by Tris’ head.

 

We go to the doors, look out and cautiously leave; I head toward the office and the teacher’s lounge.  When we get near the gym I see a girl with dirty blonde hair holding Clare’s arm and pointing a gun to her head!  Clare is shaking, crying and breathing hard, she’s pale and petrified. 

 

“CLARE!”  Drew and Dallas call to her at the same time.

 

The girl sees us and fires the gun in our direction, we all duck around the corner quickly waiting until she’s done firing!  Clare screams and I count seven shots this fucking psychotic girl shoots off at us.

 

“Get moving!”  She growls at Clare and I hear them taking steps down the hall.

 

“Everyone okay?”  I question.

 

“Yeah I’m okay,” Drew says, Dallas and Luke nod.

 

“I’ve seen that girl before she was at the party before elections.  Why the fuck is she after Clare?”  Dallas questions.

 

“I don’t know but if we don’t do something she might kill Clare,” Drew comments.

 

“Luke!”  Becky’s relived yet frightened voice is startling and distracting and we look behind us.

 

Becky runs up with a group of other students I don’t know, Luke embraces his sister tightly.

 

“Luke get them back to the caf,” I command him.

 

“No I’m going with you, Becks get to the caf, all of you get to the caf.  Townsend is in there with Owen’s brother and some others, get in there you’ll be safe and if you hear shooting then hide,” Luke instructs his sister.

 

She looks hesitant to go but when Luke pushes at her and another student pulls her arm they run toward the caf.  I look around the corner and when I don’t see anything step out with the others following me.  Just before rounding the far corner of the gym I hear Adam and Eli’s voices, I stop everyone at the corner and cautiously peek around.  Eli and Adam are trying to talk to the girl holding a gun to Clare; they’re about six yards from us and close to the storage room.  Drew and Dallas move around me to see what I’m seeing.

 

“Talia what are you doing?  Let her go!”  Eli begs.

 

“Shut up!  Both of you get in there and shut up or I’ll shoot this bitch’s smart brains all over the floor!”  Talia demands in a shrill and demented voice.

 

Of course Eli and Adam do exactly as she says, Eli and Adam go first then Talia shoves Clare in.

 

“They’re in the storage room,” Drew says.

 

“Yeah and when the door opened I saw some other people in there.  There isn’t another way out of there but we need a plan now listen up,” I say as the four of us huddle in and quickly come up with a plan.

 

**(CLARE)**

Talia pushes me into the storage room after Adam and Eli go in.  Maya is in there with Zig and a couple grade 9 kids I’ve seen around but don’t know by name.  Maya is crying hysterically, sitting on the sofa shaking, Zig is standing in front of her trying to talk to one of the boys calmly while the other is ranting madly. 

 

“Looks like we all got who we wanted,” Talia says in a taunting voice and everyone looks over at us, everyone but Maya who doesn’t even seem to notice we’re here.

 

“Talia why are you doing this?”  Eli asks her.

 

“Just let us go,” Adam begs.

 

“Shut up!  Nobody cares about you, Damian keep him quiet,” Talia says shoving Adam toward the stalky one with short hair. 

 

Damian takes Adam, holding his arm and pressing a gun to his back.  Now Talia turns her attention back to us, she raises the gun again placing the barrel at my temple and tears start rolling down my face.  I can hardly breathe and I can’t see a thing through the salt water in my eyes.

 

“Talia let Clare go,” Eli’s voice is calm but I hear how it wavers slightly.

 

“But I can’t let her go Eli; you said you wouldn’t be with me because you still loved Clare.  But if she’s gone you won’t love her anymore, If I kill her then you’ll be with me,” Talia speaks; she sounds calm and methodical but also incredibly crazy.

 

I feel the barrel pressing into my temple with a little more pressure, a hard, terrified breath trembles in my throat and becomes stuck.  A scream gets strangled by the same breath, I’m sure I’m about to die but my life doesn’t flash before my eyes or anything, it feels more like time has stopped and my mind goes blank.

 

“NO!”  Eli yells and reaches for the gun, they begin to struggle.

 

Eli grabs my arm and pulls me away!  I stumble back hitting Adam and he catches me.  I hear two gun shots and a scream I realize is coming from me.  The door bursts open and four figures come in, I can’t see them clearly but I hear voices I recognize as Owen, Dallas, Drew and Luke.  I turn into Adam as I hear more gunshots; they’re so loud my ears are ringing.  I hear Adam gasp, a thump and then a gurgling breath!  I hear the sounds of struggle and try to pick my head up to see what’s going on but Adam holds me tighter.

 

“No Clare don’t!”  Adam says just as I feel someone else touching my back.

 

“Come on it’s okay now, I’ll get you out of here,” Drew says calmly as he tries to pull me away from Adam. 

 

Drew’s voice is too calm though, like when a parent is consoling a small child.  Adam pushes at me a little to get me to walk.  Drew takes me, his arm around me tightly; he’s holding me very close to him.  We begin walking out of the room but Adam isn’t following us and I can hear struggling gurgling breaths.  I look down and see Eli lying on the ground, Owen and Dallas are kneeling next to Eli, one of them holding his shirt over a bleeding wound in his chest.  Blood is everywhere, pooling around Eli’s body and those gurgling breaths are coming from him!

 

“NOOO ELI!”  I scream trying to get to Eli but Drew holds me tight as Adam goes to Eli’s side.  I hear noises in the back of the room, voices of the others and Maya still crying but I can’t look away from Eli to see what they’re doing.  “Drew let me go!”  I shriek pushing Drew away from me.

 

I kneel down by Eli, pushing Dallas out of the way to get to him.  I take Eli’s hand, my tears falling onto his chest; he doesn’t even have the strength to squeeze back.  His green eyes look into mine and I wipe away my tears to see his eyes. 

 

“I love you,” Eli says in a gurgling whisper and then his eyes go dead and his breathing stops all together.

 

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!  ELI!  No!”  I scream and break into hysterics.

 

“Drew get her out of here, get to the teachers and find a phone to call for help,” Owen commands.

 

Drew picks me up and we leave the room, I close my eyes burying my head on his shoulder and the only image I have in my mind is Eli’s eyes at the moment of death.

 

*********Epilogue*********

Standing before the mirror I try to get my cross necklace fastened but my hands are shaking too much to open the clasp.  My whole body begins shaking and I burst into tears again, I’ve been doing that a lot the last few days.  I lean on the sink in the Torres basement washroom, my tears falling in the sink, my breathing quickly becomes labored and shaky and I feel like collapsing until hands grip my arms holding me up. 

 

“I’ll put on your necklace Clare,” Dallas says in a calm voice, taking the necklace from my hand.

 

That’s the only way people talk to me anymore, in a very calm voice like I’m insane.  Although given how very often I break into tears maybe I am insane.  The last few days have all blurred together, everything since Eli died.  I know that Maya wasn’t hurt but she was so hysterical she spent a couple nights in the psychiatric ward at the hospital.  It didn’t help that while she was there she found out her sister was killed.  I know she’s staying at Tristan’s house now and probably will be for a while.  Tristan had a mild concussion and a clean shot through the arm.  He’ll be okay but he’ll have some physical therapy for his arm. 

 

I don’t remember Drew taking me outside that day, or the ambulance or seeing my mom while I was at the hospital getting checked out.  I just remember waking up in Dallas’ bed at the Torres house and I’ve been here ever since.  Jake got shot in the back, he’ll live but he’ll be in the hospital for several weeks and have physical therapy for weeks or months.  He won’t graduate this year but school is closed for the next two weeks anyway.

 

“I can’t do this, I can’t see Eli’s parents, Alli’s, it’s my fault they’re dead, I killed them,” I wail leaning against the sink.

 

Dallas fastenss my necklace and turns me around to face him, tilting my chin up to look at him, not that I can see through my tears. 

 

“You didn’t kill them Clare, Harry and Damian did and Talia.  They decided to bring the guns to school, they wanted to hurt people, they thought they could solve things by hurting people.  None of this was your fault Clare, you can’t blame yourself,” Dallas tells me.

 

“But Eli…” I start.

 

“Eli died to save you, he loved you Clare and if he could go back and do it all again then I’m sure he would.  Eli’s not gone as long as he’s in here,” Dallas tells me putting a hand over my heart.

 

“You guys ready?”  Adam asks and I look over.

 

I wipe away my tears, straighten my black dress and nod.  Dallas puts a hand at my back and we walk out of the washroom.  Drew and Bianca are in the basement too, all of us dressed in black for the mass funeral.  Among the dead were Eli, Alli, Imogen, Katie, Marisol and Tori, three other students were killed or died of their injuries as well.  Jake, Tris, Mo and Zig were among the injured, Mo had been shot in the leg, the bullet was lodged in there but after surgery he was going to be fine.  Zig had caught a ricochet bullet in his shoulder but he would live.  I also counted Maya and I among the injured, while we had been physically unharmed we were wounded, mentally and emotionally we were wounded.  Watching our friends die in front of our eyes, knowing that even in part Talia, Damian and Harry had done what they did because of us, oh yes we were wounded. 

 

Also among the dead was Damian he was killed while struggling for his weapon with Luke and the weapon misfired.  Drew and Zig tried to take Harry’s weapon, it had gone off in the struggle, and the bullet went straight through Harry’s abdomen and spine.  He was in the hospital and would be paralyzed for life; he would still stand trial when he was released from the hospital though.  Talia was not hurt but she was in prison awaiting trial.  She hadn’t ever actually shot anyone, the shot that killed Eli occurred when he tried to get the gun to save my life.  Omar assured me though that Talia had planned it with Harry and Damian and therefore could be tried for the murders as well as a slew of other charges.

 

Audra parks at the church, it was a full parking lot, the only funeral not happening today was Damian’s.  I get out of the minivan and walk with Adam and the others to the church; Becky sees Adam and runs over.  He hugs her and they share a kiss, I look at the church, at the people filing in.  Somewhere nearby someone slams a metal door, I jump and Dallas puts an arm around me.  That has been happening a lot too, every loud noise; the slamming of a door, the popping of a balloon, even someone yelling, will make me jump.  It doesn’t matter what the noise is they all sound like gunfire to me.  I haven’t been sleep at all so the doctor gave me some kind of drug that totally knocks me out.  I still manage to have nightmares some nights, even on the drugs and wake up screaming.  Dallas has been in Adam’s bed most nights and Adam has been sleeping on the sofa in the basement, sometimes Dallas sleeps down there and either way they stay up with me after a nightmare. 

 

Luke, Jenna, Connor, Maya, Owen, Tris, Zig, Dave and K.C. all come over to us.  Zig and Tris have slings on their arms.  I hug everyone, just about everyone is crying and we all have the same somber sort of empty expression on our faces.  We walk into the church together; it’s filled with other families from DeGrassi and some community members.  I can see Eli’s parents but I look away quickly unable to look at them.  We sit in the third row, behind families of the deceased.  Pictures of all the dead students have been lined up in a macabre tribute to our friends.  When I see Eli’s picture, his piercing green eyes looking back at me I begin sobbing and shaking.  Dallas puts an arm around me, I start crying on his shoulder just as the pastor calls everyone to sit down.

 

“A tremendous tragedy has befallen upon our community and now begins the time of healing,” the pastor says.

 

I take Dallas’ hand and squeeze, I almost want to laugh at the pastors words because it doesn’t seem possible to heal after what happened.  How can this ever possibly get better?  How will this hurt ever fade away?  I don’t think the image of the life vanishing from Eli’s eyes will ever vanish from my mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. I’ve Become Just Like a Terrible Mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The funeral is only the beginning of a long road of healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This had originally intended to be a one shot but become longer so I hope you enjoy the extra chapters.

**(DALLAS)**

Clare sits huddled in my arms, sobbing endlessly on my chest and I’d give anything to take her pain but there’s nothing I can do.  I can’t go back in time and stop the shooting or bring the victims back to life and now only time can lessen her pain, but I doubt that it will ever fully heal.  Her wounds cut too deep, watching her friends get shot, knowing her friends were shot, killed and watching Eli, her first love not only die in front of her eyes but die to save her life.  How do you recover from that?  How could anyone ever fully recover from that?

 

Clare is not the only hysterical one, Maya’s hysterical too and several other people are crying loudly all the crying echoes in the church.  If the podium didn’t have a microphone all we’d hear is the crying and the echoes of it in the church.  I don’t think Clare’s heard any of it, she’s sobbing so hard she can barely breathe and all I can do is hold her.  Adam sits on her other side, crying nearly as hard and squeezing Clare’s hand.  Drew is next to his brother, an arm around him and Drew’s other hand holds tightly to Bianca.  On my other side is Luke holding Becky, Zig sits next to Becky and he holds Maya as tightly as I hold Clare.  Tristan is on the other side of Maya and Owen on the end. 

 

The pastor calls for family and friends to speak about the deceased, Katie’s dad goes up first, Maya’s crying so hard she doesn’t even see it.

 

“Katie was a bright and gifted girl,” he begins.  Maya must hear her sister’s name because she begins to cry harder, her father looks at his youngest daughter with a heartbroken expression, clears his throat and continues.  “She was a loving daughter and sister.  Katie overcame struggles and taught herself discipline, she became a black belt and editor of her school paper.  She was a wonderful person and will be terribly missed.”

 

Katie’s father sits down and Tori’s Mom gets up to speak, then Marisol’s Mom followed by Imogen’s Mom.  Then Sav gets up to speak, before he even starts talking Clare begins shaking it’s like she knows he’s about to talk about Alli.  I hear someone bawling behind me and look over my shoulder to see Jenna crying into Connor, sobbing nearly as hard as Clare.

 

“My sister Allia was a challenge; she gave us so many reasons to worry and always seemed to be trying some new way of rebelling or driving us mad.  For as difficult and maddening as she could be she was also brilliant and caring.  Alli wanted the world; she wanted to be the smart girl, and the pretty girl and the popular girl.  She had it too, and she would have done amazing things had her life not been violently snuffed out by deranged minds bent on revenge.  I have always done my best to protect my sister,” Sav says but his voice chokes and he stops for a second, “but I wasn’t there to protect her that day and I…” Sav is crying too hard now, he can’t speak anymore and his father goes up and helps him back to his seat.

 

A few other friends and family of deceased students go up and then Bullfrog, Eli’s father, takes the stage.  Again Clare starts shaking like she knows he’s about to talk about Eli.  I begin rubbing her back lightly hoping it can somehow take the agonizing thoughts from her mind.  

 

“Elijah was one of those kids whose minds never stopped, even when he was very little he wanted to read and explore and write.  His mind often got him into trouble along with his passion.  When Eli was passionate about something or someone he became obsessive, which could be both good and bad.  When Eli loved someone or something he loved them so very deeply he would do anything to…” Bullfrog suddenly stops when Clare rips out of my arms and jumps up.

 

She’s still crying hysterically but she runs down the aisle toward the doors, some people are watching her, others are just crying.  Adam starts to get up to follow her but I stop him.

 

“I’ll get her,” I tell him and run after Clare. 

 

She bursts through the doors and collapses to her knees on the floor.  The doors start to close behind her but I make it through before they close, they shut behind me and we’re alone in the narthex, the front part of the church.  I sit down next to her and put my arm around her but she pushes me away.

 

“Don’t, don’t hold me, don’t comfort me, don’t tell me it’s going to be okay!  It’s not okay, it will never be okay again and I should be dead!  I don’t deserve to be here, Eli should be alive not me, she was trying to kill me, she wanted to kill me,” Clare wails and her voice is so full of pain and regret that my heart breaks for her.

 

“Yes Talia wanted to kill you and you lived because Eli saved you, he sacrificed himself for you so that you could live.  He did it because he loved you, it was his last act of love and he would only have done it for you,” I tell her.

 

“BUT I DIDN’T DESERVE IT!  I SHOULDN’T BE HERE!  I DIDN’T DESERVE ELI’S LOVE OR HIS SACRIFICE!”  She screams at me, she’s angry but it’s not directed at me it’s directed at the world and the whole situation.

 

“Yes you do Clare, Eli loved you and you are the only one he would have sacrificed himself for but you can’t say you don’t deserve to live.  If you wish that you had died then his sacrifice becomes meaningless.  Eli thought you worthy to sacrifice himself for, he wanted you to live Clare, he lives on through you.  No one should have died Clare, this never should have happened but it did and you can’t change that,” I tell her in a soothing voice.

 

She opens her mouth to speak again, then bites her lip and falls against me somehow sobbing even more.  The fact that she hasn’t dehydrated by now is amazing.  I wrap her in my arms and hold her because it’s all I can do.  I can’t take her pain, I can’t change the thoughts in her head, I can’t replace her terrible memories with good ones so I just hold her and let her cry until the doors open again.

 

“We’re going out to the graves now, I’m going to Eli’s,” Adam says in a soft voice.

 

Clare nods and starts to stand up, I help her but she won’t look up at me.  She walks to Adam and he takes her hand, we walk through the church again, each of us taking a white rose before exiting out to the cemetery.  Owen takes Tris to Tori’s grave, Sav, his parents, Jenna and Connor go to Alli’s, Zig, Maya and her parents go to Katie’s grave.  Adam, Drew, Bianca, Clare and I follow Eli’s parents to his grave.  Eli’s parents sit in two chairs next to Eli’s grave, there’s three more chairs, Adam sits next to Cece, Clare next to him and me on the other side of Clare.  Drew and Bianca stand behind us and a few other people have gathered.  Someone reads a poem, the pastor speaks a little and then we get up to drop our roses in the grave.  Clare stands up walking to the edge of the grave and drops her rose in; then just as Drew, Bianca and I drop in our roses Cece hugs Clare.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Clare breaks down again in Eli’s mom’s arms and I take her from Cece.

 

Clare manages to walk back to the car; she sits with me and Adam in the back while Drew drives us to the community center for the repast.   Owen, Tris, Maya and Zig are in his car behind us.  Clare has stopped crying but I think it’s because she has no tears left.  We all walk into the center together, Adam has his arm linked with Clare and she’s still holding my hand.  Zig is holding Maya, Tris has his head down; Drew and Bianca keep a tight grip on each other’s hands.  There’s food and drink set up, one wall is covered in pictures of the dead and even some of those too injured to attend like Jake.  There’s also three bulletin boards set up that have been covered in butcher paper for people to write things on.  Maya sees a picture of her sister and one of Tori and breaks down again, crumbling toward the ground.  Zig starts to catch her and Owen picks her up, they walk over to some seats in the corner and sit. 

 

“Dallas can you grab us some waters?”  Adam requests taking Clare.

 

“Yeah sure,” I nod.

 

“Come on Clare,” Adam says taking her to the bulletin boards so they can write something.

 

Drew and Bianca come with me; we get water and a little food for everyone.   Then we sit with Owen and the younger kids, Maya has calmed down and is now just hiding in Zig.  Tris has, when not crying, had the same despondent yet blank look on his face.  Clare and Adam are still at the wall writing things; Clare looks like she might take up all the space so I hope they thought to bring more butcher paper.  After a few minutes they join us, Drew gets up sitting on the other side of Bianca so that Adam and Clare can sit, Clare next to me and Adam between her and Bianca.  I hand a water bottle to her and she takes a sip, I try to get her to eat but she just shakes her head.  Luke and Becky join us when they get there, after writing on the wall, they do eat, actually everyone eats a little except Maya, Clare and Tris.  We’re all silent aside from the occasional sobbing, the girls won’t talk at all and the rest of us barely say a word.

 

“I think we should just go, Maya and Clare really shouldn’t be here and Tris is barely hanging on,” Owen comments after about an hour.

 

“Let’s go back to our house, I’ll text Mom we’re all going and she can tell the other parents,” Drew says.

 

“Yeah good idea,” I nod and stand up with Clare in my arms.  We all walk out dividing into our cars again to drive back to our place.

 

“My head hurts, I don’t feel so good,” Clare says quietly when we’re back home.

 

“Because you’ve been crying nonstop and haven’t eaten anything for three days.  You barely took three sips of water,” I point out still holding her nearly full water bottle. 

 

“I’m not hungry, or thirsty, can I lie down in your bed?”  She requests.

 

“Yeah of course,” I reply and walk back to my little room with her.

 

She takes off her shoes and I set her water bottle on the night stand because she really should be drinking water.  She lies down and I turn to go out to the main part of the basement but she catches my hand.

 

“Stay with me,” she almost pleads.

 

I simply smile, take off my shoes and lie down on the bed with her; she turns her back to me but pulls my arm around her.  I hear Clare crying softly again and she cries herself to sleep.

 

**(ADAM)**

Clare and Dallas go back to his room so she can lie down just as Owen and the others come into the basement. 

 

“Where’s Clare?”  Owen questions, he sound a little worried but given how she’s been since the shooting I don’t blame him.

 

The shooting was hard on all of us but Clare is blaming herself, she was suffering some major survivor’s guilt.  It was understandable when you considered that she not only lost one of her best girlfriends but witnessed her first love not just die in front of her but sacrifice himself to save her.  Maya was having trouble too, I don’t think she was suffering survivor’s guilt but I know she felt like it was her fault and she’d lost her sister, honestly I think something snapped in Maya and I wasn’t sure it would ever be the same again.  I wish I knew how to help either of them, I’d already lost Eli and in a way I’d lost Clare that day too.  Maya and I had become friends through Whisper Hug and I felt like I lost her too since that day.

 

“Clare wasn’t feeling well, she’s lying down in Dallas’ bed, he’s with her,” my brother informs them.

 

“Jenna and Connor went home with the Bhandari’s,” Becky tells us as everyone sits down.

 

It’s quiet for a few minutes so Drew turns on the TV to have some noise but almost everything is about the school shooting so Drew turns it off.  I put on music to fill the silence and we all just sit there, Maya huddled into Zig, I hold Becky and Drew holds Bianca.  Luke sits near his sister, my brother next to me and Owen close to his brother and Maya.  After a while my parents come home, I don’t hear their car or hear them come in but my mom appears downstairs and we all look at her.

 

“Here you kids need to eat something,” Mom tells us setting down a tray of sandwiches.  Dad comes down the stairs a minute later with a tray of veggies and one of fruit.

 

Drew and Bianca get some sodas from the fridge down here and sit back down.  Owen gets a sandwich and some fruit for Tris handing it to him since his arm is still in the sling.  Then Owen makes a small plate for Maya but she pushes it away.

 

“Maya you have to eat something, at least eat a little,” Owen insists pushing the plate back to her and she takes it this time.

 

“Should we get Dallas?  Wake up Clare?”  Luke questions.

 

“Clare needs the sleep but I’ll see if Dallas is hungry,” I comment getting up.  I walk through the curtain and Dallas is lying on his side holding Clare tightly, he probably could have left as soon as she was asleep but he stayed to hold her.  He holds his finger to his lips warning me to be quiet although I’m sure they could hear all that was going on in the other room.

 

“I’m fine, I’ll eat later, I don’t want to leave her,” Dallas whispers to me.  Suddenly Clare starts moving but not like she’s waking up like she’s having a nightmare, she’s thrashing and making noises.  Dallas sits up a little and tries to wake her, shaking her gently.  “Clare it’s just a dream wake up,” he says to her softly.

 

“No Eli no don’t,” Clare says as she thrashes.

 

“Clare wake up it’s a dream,” Dallas tells her in a firmer voice.

 

I sit on the edge of the bed next to her putting my hand on her arm and she wakes up with a gasp.  Her eyes shoot open; she looks at me and bursts into tears.  Sitting up her arms embrace me as she weeps on my shoulder.  I hold my best friend, rubbing her back and feeling her pain while wishing I could somehow take it or help her heal.

 

“He’s gone, he’s dead,” she whispers in choked sobs against my neck.

 

“I know Clare,” I say because I really don’t know what else to say.  What can I tell her?  Eli died a senseless death but he died saving the girl he loves…loved.  “Come on my parents brought food and you need to eat,” I tell her.

 

“I’m not hungry,” she shakes her head sniffling in the rest of her tears.

 

“You still need to eat, at least something, come on even Maya’s eating a little,” I assert.  I’ve already lost Eli and Clare in a way, I’m not about to really lose her too because she stops eating and just lets herself die.  Honestly I’m a little afraid that’s her plan.

 

“Adam’s right, come on Clare let’s go eat,” Dallas tells her in a calm voice wiping the tears from her cheeks.

 

I stand up offering Clare my hand and she takes it, she stands and we go out to everyone else and they look at Clare.  Pretty much all of them giving her the same sympathetic cautious smile, everyone’s afraid she’s just going to snap so they’re all treating her like a child.  We sit back on the sofa, people moving to make room.  I make Clare a plate similar to the one Owen made for Maya; Clare takes the plate and nibbles at a celery stalk.  I’ve already watched one of my best friends die and now I’m afraid that I’m going to watch the other wither away and let herself die out of guilt and I don’t know what to do about it.

 

**(CLARE)**

Maya ate about as much as I did and then broke down again, she cried so much she fell asleep on Zig and Owen decided to take her home, well back to his place but that was her home for the time being.  Tristan’s arm was hurting anyway and I’m sure Owen just wanted to be home.  I could see in his face how he hated not having the control, not being able to protect his brother or any of us.  Zig went with them of course, I’m sure he’ll be sleeping over again too.  Luke and Becky left about an hour ago and Drew put a movie on, I was watching the movie and doing everything possible not to think.  Every time I think I either think about Alli and realize she’s gone or I think about Eli and then I lose it, break down and snap.  When I hear footsteps on the stairs I look over to see my mom coming down them.  She carries a suitcase in her hand; it must contain fresh clothes and stuff for me because she knows I’m not leaving here anytime soon.  Drew pauses the movie and we all look at my mom, she comes over and hugs me, I hug her back with one arm and she sets the suitcase down.

 

“I brought enough clothes to last you a week, I didn’t know how long you wanted to stay but Audra and Omar say you’re welcome to stay as long as you need.  Jake went back into surgery, he had some internal bleeding and they found a tear in his kidney.  They think it happened when the bullet ricocheted off his vertebrae.  I just went home to get some things for Glen and figured I had better get some for you too.  I better get back to the hospital now, I love you Clare,” Mom says leaning over to hug me again.

 

“I l…” I start to say but the words just won’t come from my lips, they were the last words Eli ever said to me and I don’t think I can ever say them again, to anyone.  “Me too,” I say softly and nod.

 

Mom gives me a sympathetic look and then goes back upstairs.  Dallas takes my suitcase to put in his room since I sleep in his bed and Drew presses play on the remote again.  We stay up late into the night watching movies, cartoons, light happy cartoons and nothing with guns.  Around two Drew and Bianca go up to bed, Bianca will sleep in Adam’s room and Adam will sleep with Dallas on the sofa down here.  I go through the routine of getting ready for bed but I can’t look in the mirror and everything I do feels empty. 

 

“I’m not tired I don’t think I can sleep,” I announce when I come out of the washroom ready for bed.

 

“Which is why the doctor gave you pills,” Adam points out.

 

“You get ready for bed I’ll take care of her,” Dallas tells Adam.

 

Adam nods and Dallas takes me by the hand to his room, he closes the curtain and takes my pill bottle giving me one of the sleeping pills.

 

“I won’t be able to sleep I keep thinking about the funeral, I can see Eli’s picture, his eyes, those damn piercing green eyes gazing into me.  If I close my eyes I’ll see them going dim as the life drains out of him.  I don’t want to close my eyes, I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want to see his eyes, I don’t want to watch him die when I close my eyes,” I sort of rant as my body begins to shake and more tears fall from my eyes.

 

Dallas sits on the bed and puts his arm around me, “I’ll stay with you Clare, I’ll hold you until you fall asleep, you can look at me until your eyes close from exhaustion.”

 

I nod and swallow the pill, Dallas gets on the bed and when I’m under the covers he puts his arm around me.  I look in his eyes and just keep staring at them, studying them, memorizing them until the pill takes effect and I fall into a drug induced sleep.  Even with the aide of heavy drugs I still manage to a have a nightmare and it’s always pretty much the same, there’s a gun shot, Eli falls, I scream, then there’s a river of blood draining from Eli’s body, his eye grow dim, he tells me he loves me and then he’s gone. 

 

I wake with a gasp, my eyes shooting open and I feel someone’s arm on me, for a moment, just a moment I think it’s Eli. Then reality hits me and I know it’s Dallas and I know because Eli is no longer here so it can’t be him.  I start to shake, I want to cry but I don’t want to wake Dallas, so I carefully and quickly get his arm off me.  Then I run on tiptoe to the basement door, opening it slow and quiet to not wake Adam.  Stepping out to the early morning, it’s chilly and the sun is barely peeking over the horizon, most of the world is still dark but I don’t care.  I sit on the wooden bench with my knees pulled to my chest, my arms wrapped around them and my head on my knees.  My tears burst free, flowing with tremendous force down my face and my legs, soaking my skin and my pajamas.  My whole body trembles, shaking hard enough to vibrate the bench, my eyes tightly shut and the only image that sticks in my mind are Eli’s eyes growing dim as I watch him die.  It’s all I can see, like two glowing green gems that become dimmer and dimmer before going dark as the life goes out of him.

 

“Clare what are you doing out here it’s freezing,” Adam says but I don’t respond just sit there crying.  There’s a minute of silence then Adam puts a blanket around me, sits on the bench taking my hand and I squeeze his hand.  “I miss him too Clare but you can’t go on like this you’re going to kill yourself.  You’ll be lucky if you don’t get sick from being out here in the freezing weather,” Adam tells me in a half scolding half concerned voice.

 

There’s so much I want to tell him, such as I deserve to die, I should have died that day, Eli had no right to sacrifice himself for me or try to save me.  He never should have grabbed the gun; he should have just let Talia kill me.  That all I can see is his eyes and all I can hear is Eli telling me he loves me.  I want to tell Adam all this but I’m crying too hard to talk so I just sit there sobbing.  I hear Adam sigh then he squeezes my hand and gets up from the bench, a moment later I hear two people walking barefoot across the patio.

 

“Clare what are you doing out here?  It’s freezing you shouldn’t be out here, when did you even come out?”  Dallas asks as he comes over to pick me up.  Adam must have gone in to tell him that he needed to get me inside.  We go inside and Dallas sits me on the sofa, they sit on either side of me and we’re silent for a moment.  “Why don’t you take a shower and then I’ll take you to see Jake, you haven’t been to see him at all and I’m sure he’d like to see you,” Dallas suggests.

 

I wipe the tears from my eyes and look up at him, honestly I really haven’t thought too much about Jake and now I feel guilty about that. 

 

“Okay,” I nod.

 

Getting up to go into Dallas’ room I open the suitcase Mom brought me.  I find jeans and a green top, I take those with my bra and clean panties into the washroom down here and turn on the shower.  The hot water is soothing but it also makes me think, thoughts rush through my head at lighting speed.  I can’t hold one for more than a couple of seconds, none of them are good and I start to sink down in the shower until there’s a knock on the door.

 

“Clare are you okay?”  Dallas asks in a soft caring voice.

 

I must have been in here a while, I realize the water has started to turn cold but I was so adrift in my frenzied thoughts I didn’t notice. 

 

“Yeah I’m fine, I’ll be out in a moment,” I call back.

 

I stand up and wash my hair; we didn’t think to bring my shampoo or anything but Audra keeps the washrooms stocked with all kinds of things.  After quickly washing my hair I get out and dry off, I get dressed and dry my hair, brushing it to tame it but I don’t put on makeup because I’m liable to just cry it all off anyway.  Dallas jumps up from the sofa as soon as I’m out of the washroom, he’s dressed and ready to go, hands me my sweater and tells Adam we’ll be back in a little while.  He waves to us and we go outside, Dallas takes Drew’s car, either he asked Drew or he’s borrowing it and Adam will explain it to Drew.  I look out the window for a little while but as we pass the neighborhood all I can see is every place I ever was with Eli or Alli, so I look down at down at my hands until we get to the hospital. 

 

We go in and Dallas asks for Jake Martin’s room, after telling them that I’m his sister they give us the room number and tell us how to get there.  We have to take the elevator up a couple of floors and I don’t know why but the noise of the elevator going up sounds to me like Eli’s dying breath.   I begin to shake and Dallas puts an arm around me holding me close to him.  The doors open and we exit the elevator, I look at each door we pass and see other names from our school on some of the rooms.  Mo’s room isn’t far from Jake’s and I see his mom in there sitting with him.  When we reach Jake’s room I freeze for a second, I just stare at the name plate on the door.  **ICU 12 : MARTIN, JAKE**.  I know the doctors said he’d be okay but seeing the name plate, seeing Jake hooked to all the monitors with a breathing tube in and knowing he went back to surgery makes me realize I could lose him too.  Dallas puts a hand at my back and gently pushes me into the room.

 

“Hi Clare,” Glen says opening his eyes when we come in the room, he was asleep in a chair and he obviously slept here last night.  “Hi Dallas,” Glen smiles and looks at Jake who opens his eyes when he hears our names.

 

Jake can’t talk with the tube in but he waves at us weakly, I manage a weak smile and go sit in the chair next to Glen, Dallas leans on the wall behind me. 

 

“Hi Jake,” I smile taking his hand; my voice is scratchy, rough from endless crying.  Jake squeezes my hand and gives me a worried look. 

 

“She’s having a hard time, hasn’t been sleeping, or eating, or anything really,” Dallas explains guess he saw the look on Jake’s face too.  Jake can’t talk so he just squeezes my hand again.

 

“How was the funeral?”  Glen asks probably trying to fill the silence.

 

“It was okay, it was a funeral, closure for some people I guess,” Dallas says and doesn’t tell them I freaked out and ran out of the church.

 

We stay for a few more minutes but I don’t like being in the hospital, I don’t like seeing Jake this way and it’s not helping take Eli from my mind.  I feel that I could break down again at any minute and I don’t want to do that in front of Jake. 

 

“I want to go home,” I tell Dallas barely able to stand as I start to shake.

 

“Okay,” he nods coming over to support me.

 

I take a deep breath and steady myself, lean over and kiss Jake’s forehead telling him I’ll be back but he just gives me a worried look.  We say goodbye to Glen and leave the room, we start to walk toward the elevator but I stop walking and Dallas stops with me.

 

“Can we take the stairs,” I request.

 

“Yeah sure,” Dallas nods and we turn to walk to the stairs at the other end of the hall.

 

We go through the door and down the stairs to the next floor, I’m about to turn to go down to the next floor but through the little window in the door I see Owen.  I know something must have happened to Zig, Maya or Tris and while I’m sure that I will completely snap if I hear that anymore of my friends is in the hospital I still go through the door.  I run over to Owen with Dallas following me.  Owen has a bite mark on his arm as well as scratches and bruises, his parents are at the end of the hall and Zig is sitting next to Owen.

 

I don’t know if I want to know what happened but I have to ask, before I do I grip onto Dallas in case I actually do break when I find out, “Owen what happened?” 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Watch as I Drown

**(DALLAS)**

Owen looks at me before answering Clare, like me he’s worried about how fragile she is, how she looks as if she might crack at any moment.  Honestly Owen doesn’t look so good either, I don’t just mean the obvious signs of a struggle he had with someone but he looks agonized, sort of ill and almost guilty.

 

“Tris wrenched his arm in his sleep and tore out all his stitches, he was so drugged up by sleeping aids and painkillers he didn’t even notice.  I went in the room this morning and he was pale, unconscious and blood was just everywhere.  We called an ambulance and they rushed him here, he’s in surgery but the doctors are worried about something, they keep talking to his parents,” Zig answers.

 

“Will he be okay?”  Clare questions, her voice shaking as she begins to fracture even more.  Owen reaches over taking her hand and giving her the most reassuring smile he can muster just now.  “Yeah Tris’ll be fine, my brother’s strong,” Owen tells her.

 

“Where’s Maya?”  Clare asks getting tears in the corners of her eyes before Owen even answers.

 

“She had a really terrible nightmare last night, doctor called it a night terror, she woke up screaming and thrashing.  I ran in and tried to calm her down, to wake her up but she just kept screaming and fighting me.  Tiny little Maya did all this, when she finally did wake up she felt bad for hurting me, she burst into tears.  Zig and I sat up with her in the living room until she cried herself to sleep again.  None of us were in the room when Tris wrenched his arm, maybe we could’ve…” Owen’s sentence breaks off as even he starts to tear up.  “When she saw Tris this morning she just started screaming hysterically, when the ambulance go there they gave her a tranquilizer so when they rushed Tris to surgery they took Maya to the psych ward.  She’s been admitted, she’s not coping at all and seeing Tris this morning might have broken her for good,” Owen tells us, his voice is rough from lack of sleep and stress.

 

I look at Clare worried that she’s going to do the same, that some dream or sight or something someone says might be the thing just makes her snap!  Actually she looks like this might be it, she’s getting pale and beginning to shake, it’s almost imperceptible how she’s trembling but I can see it.  Owen sees it too, he gets ready to catch her if she suddenly passes out, I wrap Clare tightly in my arms, shielding her and clutching her to my chest.  She clings to my shirt and I brush her hair back with my nose to whisper in her ear.

 

“Let’s get you home,” I tell her and she nods against my chest.  I look back at Owen and Zig, “We’re probably just going to hang out all day you should come hang out when you leave here.”

 

“Yeah we will,” Owen nods.  He’s still holding Clare’s hand and he squeezes it before letting go.

 

I release Clare only enough to walk with her in my arms, no one pays much attention to a crying girl on a hospital.  We get to the car and I get Clare in before going around to the driver’s side.  When we get home Drew, Bianca, Adam, Luke, Becky, Jenna, Dave, Connor and K.C. are all here.  They’re on the sofa with the TV on but no one is really watching it, there are foods of various kinds spread on the coffee table, it’s been eaten and picked at but it doesn’t look like anyone’s eaten much.

 

“How’s Jake?”  Adam questions as Clare sits down.

 

“He…” Clare starts but stops to clear her throat when she can barely get that word out.  “He was alive but he had a breathing tube in and couldn’t speak, hooked up to all these wires and...we didn’t stay long,” she tells them and stops before going into detail.  She leans on me as soon as I sit next to her and I put my arm around her.

 

“I tried calling Owen to have them come over but he’s not answering,” Drew says.

 

At the thought of Maya and Tris in the hospital Clare turns her head into my chest, she’s crying again, sobbing silent and I hold her tighter. 

 

“Owen’s at the hospital, Maya…” I almost say totally lost it but then look at Clare in my arms and stop myself.  “Maya and Tris both had a bad night, Maya had a night terror, Owen tried to wake her and she fought him, he’s all scratched up and has a bite on his arm.  Tris was doped up on painkillers and sleeping pills, and while Owen and Zig were with Maya in the living room Tris somehow wrenched his arm tearing out the stitches.  Zig said he went in to find Tris pale and blood everywhere,” I tell them and realize I probably should have censored this too as Clare is shaking violently and her crying gets harder.

 

“Will Tristan be okay?”  Becky asks.

 

“Owen said he would,” Clare says speaking mostly into my chest but Adam hears it and passes the response on. 

 

“I told Owen and Zig to come over when they were done at the hospital they should be here later,” I comment and look back at Clare.  “You want to eat?”  I ask her and she shakes her head, “You want to lay down?” 

 

She says no and wipes her tears, sitting up a little to look at the TV but she still leans against me.  After a short time we hear Audra yelling upstairs, she sounds enraged and I look at Adam but Clare doesn’t even react.

 

“Reporters, they’ve been calling for days but Mom is getting angrier every time they call,” Adam explains.

 

The Torres house is not only the hub for us kids but for the adults, Mr. Simpson is here, Zig’s mom, Miss Oh, Dave’s parents and Luke and Becky’s parents.  Every so often one of them comes downstairs and looks at us, just to be sure we’re all still here I guess.  Owen and Zig show up just after the adults bring down more food for lunch, Clare looks over at them and sits up when they walk in.

 

“Tris is out of surgery, he tore a bunch of muscles and ligaments, they repaired what they could but the doctor said Tris would probably never have full use of that arm again.  Maya’s in the psych ward, they’re keeping her sedated for now and her parents along with mine are talking with the doctors about the best course of treatment,” Owen informs us.

 

“I need some air,” Clare says suddenly as she stands up getting out of my arms and runs outside. 

 

I follow her outside of course, she’s sitting on the ground, leaning against the cement retaining wall with her knees to her chest and her arms around them.  She isn’t crying but she looks blank, blank but devastated, Adam comes out too and we sit on either side off her.  She doesn’t say anything, just bites her lip and stares into space.  We stay with her the whole time, about fifteen minutes in all, she never moves or talks, doesn’t cry just stares.  And then just as suddenly as she ran out she stands again.

 

“I’m ready to go inside now,” she tells us so we get up and follow her.

 

I hear a car pull up but I’m not paying much attention, people have been coming through all day. 

 

“Michael,” I hear my mom call to me and I look over.  My parents called the night it happened but they mostly talked with Audra, I told them I was okay and wasn’t coming home but I loved them and that was it, I didn’t think they’d come since they hadn’t yet.  Adam follows Clare inside and I go to my parents, we hug tightly and I realize just how much I actually missed them.  “You don’t look like you’ve had much sleep,” Mom comments.

 

“I’ve been sleeping okay but Clare has nightmares every night and I stay up with her.  Not that I’m not really happy to see you guys but what are you doing here?”  I inquire.

 

“Omar called, the police are going to be getting statements from anyone involved, he thought we should be there, we’re staying in town for a few days,” Mom informs me.

 

“Oh, uh you want to come in and meet everyone?  Well everyone that’s not in the hospital anyway,” I tell them but I’m wondering how Clare is expected to give a statement.  Mom and Dad follow me into the basement and everyone looks over at us.  “Guys these are my parents, that’s Drew and Adam my billet brothers, Owen and Luke are on the team with me.  That’s Zig, Jenna, Dave, Connor and K.C. and Becky is Luke’s sister.  And this is Clare,” I tell them sitting next to Clare with my arm around her. 

 

“It’s nice to meet you all,” Mom smiles lingering her eyes on Clare.  Clare attempts a smile, gives up and puts her head on my shoulder.  “We’ll be upstairs,” Mom tells me and then they go up to the stairs and I hear Audra greet them when they open the door.

 

“Don’t take this the wrong way but why’d your parents come now?”  Zig asks after the upstairs door is closed.

 

“We’re going to have to give statements to the police, they came for a few days to be with me when I give mine,” I explain.

 

“We’ll all have our parents with us when we give our statements,” Adam speaks up.

 

I notice Clare has gone real still, she’s not even breathing, just staring again and then she explodes!

 

“NO I WON’T TALK ABOUT IT, I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED!  ALL I REMEMBER IS ELI’S EYES!  HIS EYES GOING DARK AND BEING DRAINED OF LIFE!  GREEN EYES AND A LOT OF RED BLOOD THAT’S ALL I REMEMBER!  IT’S ALL I SEE WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES!  I DON’T REMEMBER A GUN OR ANYONE ELSE!  I DON’T REMEMBER DREW TAKING ME OUTSIDE I DON’T REMEMBER ANYTHING I CAN’T TELL THEM ANYTHING I CAN’T!  I can’t…I…” she screams so loud she brings all the adults running downstairs but her last three words are nearly a whisper.  Suddenly she collapses curling into me and cries silent tears of heartbroken pain.

 

All the adults are just staring, looking helpless as they try and think of something to say but there is nothing to say.  No words anyone says will give her comfort or take away the pain, Clare reaches out however, reaching behind her.  I’m not sure who she’s reaching for but Adam is, she’s reaching for him and he takes her hand, she calms slightly but she’s still bawling so much it’s already soaked through my shirt. 

 

The adults watch us a moment and then go upstairs again.  Clare is crying so hard it’s making her breathing labored and her body is convulsing so much it’s shaking mine.  Slowly her tears and her shaking slow and then stop, not because she’s out of tears but because she’s fallen asleep.  She needs the sleep and I’m afraid to move her.  Adam and Owen help me adjust Clare so that she has her head on my lap but her feet on Adam’s.  She stirs but that’s it, with Clare asleep we go back to staring blankly at the TV, at least until Omar comes downstairs.

 

“She fell asleep,” Drew tells his dad.

 

“Good that’s probably best,” Omar says coming over and sitting on the far end of the sofa.  “With Maya in the hospital and Clare…” Omar pauses looking at her and searching for the right word.  “Clare’s post traumatic amnesia they won’t be giving statements, not right now anyway.  The rest of you will start giving statements tomorrow, myself, Principal Simpson and Officer Turner will be coordinating them with your parents and the police.  Also starting tomorrow will be group therapy sessions, it’s mandatory for everyone in this room, Clare included.  It will be held at Reverend Baker’s church at eleven.  Owen your parents called, Maya will be held for a mental evaluation for the next three days.  Your brother is being sent home but he’s still tired from the surgery and they said you and Zig can stay here as long as you want.”

 

“Thanks,” Owen nods.

 

Omar goes upstairs and I look at Clare brushing a curl from her face.  We stay silent and mindlessly watching TV until the melancholy quiet is broken by Clare’s thrashing and whimpering in her sleep.

 

“No no Eli no,” she cries turning over quickly but she doesn’t wake up.  “Eli don’t die, no I’m supposed to die.” 

 

We all know what she’s dreaming about, some of us were in the room with her, actually most of us were in the room with her.  Only Jenna, Becky, Bianca, Dave, Connor and K.C. weren’t in that room.  Jenna starts to cry now, putting her head down and K.C. and Connor put their arms around her, Becky is hiding her head in Luke and holding Adam’s hand.  Adam reaches over and shakes Clare lightly, saying her name and urging her to wake up.  She bolts up with a gasp and looks around the room, we’re all looking at her and she shrinks from the attention.

 

“Sorry,” she apologizes timidly.

 

“You don’t have to apologize Clare it’s okay it was just a nightmare,” Adam assures her.

 

“We’re going to a group therapy tomorrow, everyone here will be there,” I tell her and she just nods.

 

“Owen is Tristan okay?”  Clare asks after a second.

 

“Yeah he’s at my house, he’s probably asleep,” he tells her.

 

“And Maya?”  Clare inquires.

 

“She’s still at the hospital she’ll be staying for a few days so they can help her,” Owen says delicately and Clare nods.

 

 **(CLARE)**  
  


_…CRACK the gunfire sound is deafening and Eli goes pale crumpling to the floor.  “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”  I scream louder than the gunshot still echoing in the room.  Eli’s blood pours out making a crimson sea on the white tile floor; I fall to my knees in the blood and grab his hand.  “I Love you,” he says, “I will always love only you.”  His eyes go dark as his life drains away with his blood and he’s gone…_

“Clare wake up you’re okay,” Dallas’ voice says calmly pulling me from the dream.

 

I feel his arms around me, he holds me close trying to soothe me, I’m crying and I open my eyes.  I cling to Dallas and cry, the image of Eli’s eyes won’t leave my mind, it’s the only image I’ve seen in my mind’s eye since that day.  Dallas holds me like he does every night and eventually I can no longer cry.

 

Almost everyone left after we ate dinner, well most people ate dinner I wasn’t hungry.  Owen and Zig were the first to go home to be with Tris.  Becky and Luke were the last to leave with their parents; Bianca’s sleeping here of course.  Adam fell asleep on the sofa but Dallas stayed in the bed with me like he has been. 

 

We lie there in the dark in silence for a while but I can’t sleep now and I sit up, Dallas sits up with me and when I start to get out of bed he holds my arm.

 

“I’m not tired anymore I’m going for a walk,” I tell him.

 

“Clare’s it’s three in the morning,” he says as if that would stop me.

 

“I need some air; I can’t just lie here in the dark with the image of Eli’s eyes at the moment of death burned into my brain!  I need to get out,” I snap at him without meaning to.  I’m not angry at him and Dallas has been incredible but I feel like I’m going to burst, to come apart at the seams and I need to move.

 

“Okay but I’m coming with you,” he says in a calm voice and gets out of bed.

 

“What’s going on?”  Adam yawns opening the curtain a little.

 

“We’re going out for a bit,” Dallas tells him.

 

“I’ll leave a note for Mom and Dad,” Adam remarks and goes back in turning on the light.

 

We dress quickly, throwing on jeans or sweats and Adam grabs the keys to the car.  Adam drives, I sit in the passenger seat and Dallas is behind me.  Adam drives out to the harbor and parks; I get out of the car and take a deep breath of air.  I feel like I can never breathe anymore, like I’m constantly suffocating and at the same time I feel like I don’t deserve to breathe.  Adam and Dallas come to my sides, I’m glad they’re here but at the same time I want to push them away.  I’m not entirely sure why, I feel as though I don’t deserve their concern. 

 

We start walking; the water seems so calm at this hour, the moon still glowing on it as it disappears into the coming dawn.   We walk in silence but I’m starting to get irritated by the calm of the early morning, I feel like the calmer it is around me the more chaos there is inside.  When I feel like the chaos is going to come out I grab Dallas and Adam by the hands and they squeeze mine.  I’m doing okay, staring at the moon and squeezing their hands, the moon is keeping me from seeing Eli’s eyes for the moment.  Then there’s a loud popping noise, I’m not even sure what the noise really was but to me it sounds just exactly like the gun going off.

 

“AAGGGHHHHHHHHHH!”  I scream letting go of Dallas and Adam I descend to my knees on the cement.  My body slumps down as I curl into an involuntary ball, tears cascading from my eyes; I hold my hands to face to hide.  My body starts shaking, Eli’s eyes come back to my mind, they start to dim and then I see the blood, all his blood that should have been in his body but it’s not.

 

“It’s okay we’re taking you home,” Dallas says as he picks me up.

 

He carries me back to the car and I’ve stopped crying now, Dallas puts me in and Adam starts driving.

 

“I’m sorry,” I apologize.

 

“It’s okay,” Adam replies.

 

We get back to the Torres house and it’s still so early no one else is awake.  We sit on the sofa and Adam turns on the TV, no one watches TV anymore it’s only on to make noise.  Dallas gets me some water, Adam gets something to eat and we sit there.  After the sun comes up Omar comes downstairs and we look at him.

 

“Dallas your parents on their way over to have breakfast, the police are going to get statements from K.C. and Bianca this afternoon.  Audra will be with Bianca for her statement, if they can they want to talk to you today as well Dallas,” Omar says.

 

“Yeah sure,” he nods.

 

“I can’t…I don’t remember anything I…” I start to blubber and Omar interrupts me.

 

“Clare you don’t need to give your statement now, they’ll get statements from all the other kids directly involved or who witnessed,” Omar assures me and I nod taking a deep breath.

 

“I’m going to shower before my parents get here, I won’t be long,” Dallas says to me and I nod again.

 

Drew and Bianca come downstairs and sit with us, when Dallas gets out of the shower I decide I better take one.  Grabbing some clean clothes I go into the washroom, it’s still filled with steam from Dallas’ shower.  Turning on the water I take off the sweats I wore out and get in the water.  Closing my eyes I put my head back to wash my hair and then I hear Eli’s voice whispering “I love you”!  My eyes shoot open and I look around but Eli’s not there, I heard his voice though I’m certain of it.  Washing my hair quickly I get out of the shower and dress, when I open the door the basement is full now.  Owen, Tris and Zig are here, Luke and Becky as well and Audra, Omar, the Baker parents and Dallas’ parents are here eating breakfast.  I go into Dallas’ room to put away my clothes and Adam follows me in. 

 

“You should eat,” Adam says in an insistent tone.

 

“I’m not hungry,” I shake my head.

 

Adam gets in front of me holding my shoulders, “I don’t care if you’re hungry or not you need to eat something.  You may not feel hungry but your body needs food Clare and you are going to eat.”

 

I give in, nodding my head with a sigh but I don’t feel hungry and I don’t feel like I should eat.  Adam takes me out to the sofa and I sit at the end with Adam, he gives me fruit and half a bagel and watches me eat it all.  I eat slowly and Omar talks about what will happen when the other’s give their statements.   A little before eleven we go to the Baker’s church for group therapy, it’s held in a room in the basement, it’s already set up with a circle of chairs they must hold support groups down here.  I sit down with Adam and Dallas on either side of me, Owen is next to Dallas then Tris, Zig, Jenna, Dave, Connor, K.C., Bianca and Drew next to his brother.  Other kids come in, some from grade nine whose names I don’t know, Liam is here and some other kids from newspaper staff.  A few of the Ice Hounds and guys from the football team as well.  The circle is made bigger so we can all be in one but we all sit at one side now.  A lady with long dark hair sits at one end of the circle.

 

“Welcome my name is Dr. Bartlett but you can call me Caroline.  We’re here to talk, what happened was a tragedy and it’s a lot of grief to process, does anyone want to share?”  Caroline asks and Liam raises his hand.

 

“How did they even get into school with a gun?  Why would they just start shooting people?”  Liam questions.

 

“Because they were fucking psychotic that’s why, they were fucking crazy!”  One of the Ice Hounds says in an angry tone.

 

“You were their friend Novak you should have known, you should have stopped them,” another Ice Hound barks at him.

 

“I was only friends with one and he’s dead now!  We hadn’t talked in weeks, don’t you think if I knew this was going to happen I would have said something?!”  Zig snaps back and Tris puts a hand on his shoulder.

 

“They were only after a few people why’d they come shooting the whole school?  Why not just kill the one’s they were after?!”  A grade nine girl says with a venomous tone and looks at me with hate and I start shaking.  “My friend was shot down in the hall for no reason and they were after you they should have k…”

 

“SHUT UP!”  Dallas, Adam, Drew, Owen and a few others snap at her at the same time.

 

“Anger is natural but we shouldn’t blame, what the assailants did was their own choice,” Caroline says.

 

“All I remember is a lot of blood, blood and chaos everywhere,” another girl speaks up.

 

“That was probably what they wanted, to create chaos and fear in as many people as possible, it’s very common with school shooters,” Caroline comments.

 

“Yeah but why?  I didn’t know them or do anything to them.”

 

“Why weren’t there signs?  Someone had to know what they were planning why didn’t anyone try and stop them?”

 

“They were crazy and stupid, everyone goes through hard times but we don’t go shooting up the school.”

 

A few other kids share similar sentiments and then Caroline stops us.

 

“Let’s talk about the grief now, whether you lost a friend, saw it happen or just feel the tremendous loss y…”

 

“Why?”  I speak up and cut her off and now everyone’s looking at me.  “What good is it going to do me talk about it?  It’s all I’ve thought about for days and now I have to talk about it?!  I don’t remember most of that day and the only thing I do remember is my boyfriend dying in front of my eyes to save me!  I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to share how I felt or what I think it’s not going to bring him back and it’s not going to do me any good!”

 

“It’s part of the grieving process Clare, it’s okay f…” Caroline starts but I cut her off again.

 

“DON’T TELL ME IT’S OKAY!”  I scream and it echoes in the room.  “Nothing is okay!  I am so sick of that word!  How can anything be okay?  I’m not okay.  I’m tired of people telling me it’s okay, it’s okay that you have constant nightmares Clare.  It’s okay that you woke us in the middle of the night.  It’s okay that you can’t sleep without drugs and scream every time there’s a loud popping sound.  None of that is okay!  It’s not okay that those psychos wanted to hurt me, Maya and Zig, it’s not okay that people were hurt and killed, it’s not okay that Maya is in the hospital!  Don’t say it’s okay because none of it is okay.”

 

With that I get up and run out of the room, Adam follows me out and catches me in the hall. 

 

“Clare stop,” he says grabbing my hand to keep me from walking.

 

“I don’t want to be in there Adam; it’s not doing any good.  I want to scream at half those kids and burst into tears every few seconds.  That psychologist is going to decide that I’m nuts and send me to the mental hospital with Maya.  I can’t be in there, I can’t do this, nothing that happens in there is going to make feel any better,” I tell him, sort of pleading and ranting at the same time as I being to cry.  I wonder if I’ll ever make it through a day without crying again.

 

“Let’s go home, I’ll text Drew they can get a ride with someone else,” Adam says and I nod.

 

Adam sends a text to Drew and we get in the car driving home, I sit on the sofa and Adam goes to tell his parents why we’re home.  I guess all the yelling and crying took it out of me because I fall asleep on the sofa before Adam comes back downstairs.  A fitful sleep and I dream of Eli again.

 

_…Eli gets shot and goes pale, he falls to the floor and I sink to my knees next to him as I scream.  “I died for you Clare, no one will ever love you like I do Clare, I died for you.  I love you.”…_


	4. Weighted Sorrow

 

**(ZIG)**

“We’ll pick you up in an hour,” Mom says when we pull up to the hospital.

 

I wasn’t here because I was sick or hurt; I was here to visit Maya.   The school shooting was hard on everyone, some more than others, but Maya and Clare were most definitely taking it the hardest.  In different ways and for different reasons but they were both hanging on by a thread and both their threads were getting more and more frayed each day.  You always hear that time heals all wounds well it wasn’t true, in fact time almost seemed to be making things worse for the two of them.

 

“I know,” I nod and get out of the car walking through the automatic doors at the main entrance. 

 

I hate hospitals, the way they smell, the way the disinfectant smell gets on my tongue and I can taste it, the bright lights that shine off the white tile floor and the feeling of sick in the air.  They always try to make hospitals bright and happy but to me they’re just depressing, of course it doesn’t help that I’m here to see the girl I like and I’m so worried about her it’s depressing me.

 

I find my way to the psych ward and tell the nurse I’m here to see Maya, she gives me the room number and I find her room.  Maya is sitting in the bed staring at a book, she’s not actually reading just staring.  Her room is small but it’s a private room, there’s no padded walls or anything, she’s not restrained to the bed, for the most part it looks like a normal hospital room.  Maya doesn’t have an IV in and she’s not hooked up to monitors, she doesn’t even looks sick really just not present, her expression is blank.

 

“Hey Maya how are you feeling?”  I ask coming into her room.

 

She looks over at me but her expression is still blank, she barely looks like Maya, she looks like a ghost or shadow of the girl I was crazy about.  I still am crazy about her but this zombie Maya isn’t Maya and it’s disconcerting, it’s like someone stripped away her personality for a blank slate.  She doesn’t even seem to register me, or recognize me, there’s no smile, no recognition in her eye just an empty gaze.  I sit on the edge of the bed, and take her hand.  She does at least squeeze my hand back, it’s the first sign that my Maya is still in there somewhere.  The silence becomes uncomfortable so I start talking to fill the silence.

 

“Everyone misses you, we had to go to group therapy yesterday, I don’t know how much it helped.  It definitely didn’t help Clare; she ran out and went home with Adam.  Tris is better, his arm will heal and he’ll have most of his range of movement.  I’m still sleeping at his house and Owen is anxious for you to come back, I don’t think he likes not having you nearby so he can keep an eye on you.  We’re all hurting Maya, all of us and we’re all trying to heal together, even Clare…sort of.  We hang out at the Torres house a lot and everyone asks about you when we’re over there,” I tell Maya.

 

“Tell them I’m okay,” she speaks softly looking down but I do see a glimmer of an expression on her face, it’s sorrow or guilt maybe, I only saw it for a second so it’s hard to tell.

 

“You don’t look okay,” I comment.

 

“They give me lots of sedatives and it makes me numb,” she responds but this doesn’t really make me feel better.

 

“Maya it’s time for therapy,” a nurse says coming into the room.  “You can wait but she won’t be back for an hour,” the nurse tells me.

 

“I’ll come back I have to give my statement to the cops anyway,” I reply.  “I’ll be back Maya,” I tell her kissing her forehead.  One corner of her mouth turns up the tiniest bit.  It’s the smallest partial smile I’ve ever seen but I’ll take what I can get.

 

The nurse takes Maya but I still have a long time before Mom comes for me so I go down to the cafeteria and get some lunch.  I sit there wondering how to help Maya, or if I can even help Maya.  Maybe it was all just too much and she’s just gone, as much a casualty of that terrible day as Tori, Eli, Katie and the others. 

 

After eating I go to the gift shop, mostly just to kill time but I might as well pick something up for Maya.  I look at the trinkets and flowers, the get well cards and stuffed animals, the balloons and clothing.  They’re all nice but I don’t think any of it is really going to make Maya feel better.  Then I see a notebook with a treble clef on it and I remember how she used to use her music to express herself, like all good musicians.  I buy the notebook and a flower since it’s all I can afford, the lady gives me a little blank card to go with it and I go back up to Maya’s room.  I place the notebook on her bed and the flower on top of that, I have to go out to the nurse’s station to borrow a black marker.  The card was small and I could only write a few words but I hope it helps, placing the card on the flower and notebook so she’ll see it all when she gets back from therapy.  The card reads:  **Let the music heal you**.

 

**(DALLAS)**

“How’d your statement go?”  Owen asks Zig when he comes in.

 

“Fine I guess, did they make you guys close your eyes and walk through everything again?”  Zig inquires.

 

“Yeah it’s called a cognitive interview, it isn’t pleasant but you recall details you might not have before,” Adam responds.

 

“Great I have to do mine later this afternoon,” I comment.

 

Clare is currently in the shower or we wouldn’t be talking about the interviews because she sort of snaps every time they’re brought up.  Actually the water turned off almost twenty minutes ago but I don’t hear her in the washroom.  The doors still closed though, girls do take a long time in the washroom, she must be doing her hair or something.

 

“I saw Maya, she’s so drugged up she was like a zombie it was kind of disturbing.   I only saw her for a few minutes before she had to go to therapy.  I left her a notebook so that she could write music, it’s how she can best let the emotions out, I just hope she uses it,” Zig tells us.

 

“That was a good idea Zig,” Owen says and I nod.  What Zig did gave me an idea, Clare’s a writer and if she won’t talk about it maybe I can get her to write about it.  I’ll stop and get her some stuff after I give my statement.

 

“Yeah it’s all I could think of a…”

 

Zig gets cut off by a piercingly blood curdling scream and the sound of shattering glass in the washroom!  Everyone jumps up and runs to the washroom, Adam and I reach it first and start pounding on the door!

 

“CLARE!”  We yell together as the adults run downstairs.

 

“Clare open the door!”  Adam pleads but all we hear is silence.

 

“What’s going on?”  Audra questions but none of us answer.

 

“Clare open the door,” I call but still silence, “get a screwdriver we ca…”

 

“Screw that, sorry Mrs. Torres,” Owen says.

 

“Sorry for w…” Audra starts to ask but when Owen kicks in the washroom door she knows.

 

Clare looks up at us in tears, her arm is bleeding, the medicine cabinet mirror has shattered into dozens of pieces.  Clare is holding a shard of glass on the flat part so it’s not cutting her, as soon as the door was kicked in she dropped the shard so that only Owen, Adam and I saw her with it but it still has us all worried.  Clare is dressed but she has no shoes on, I do have shoes on so I walk across the glass and pick her up.  Everyone looks in the washroom and looks at Clare, I take her out to the sofa and look at her arm.

 

“It’s a superficial cut I’ll grab the first-aid kit from upstairs,” Adam says.

 

Drew hands me a wet paper towel with some soap on it and I clean the blood from Clare’s arm just as Adam returns.  She needs one large bandage on her forearm but it could have been a lot worse.

 

“We’ll clean this up why don’t you kids go out for a while, take a walk and get some fresh air.  Or go to the mall or a movie,” Audra says.

 

“I’m sorry Audra I’ll clean it up,” Clare apologizes crying even harder.

 

“It’s okay honey don’t worry about it, I’m just glad you weren’t hurt any worse,” Audra assures her.  “Take the minivan and Dallas I’m sure your parents can pick you up from wherever you go,” Audra tells me.

 

Adam gets Clare’s shoes, everyone gathers their things and we all walk outside.  Adam has his arm around Clare, she’s still crying but it’s slowed down a little.

 

“I told Maya I’d go back and see her at the hospital,” Zig speaks up.

 

“You want to go see Jake and Maya?”  I ask Clare but she shakes her head.

 

“I’ll take Zig and Tris to see Maya and we’ll catch up to you guys later,” Owen says.

 

They walk to his car and the rest of us get in the Torres minivan, had Owen, Tris and Zig come with us Clare or Bianca would have been sitting on a lap.  Since they didn’t Drew drives, Bianca takes the passenger seat and Clare sits in backseat between me and Adam.  The two middle seats are empty and I consider calling Jenna and Connor but Jenna’s barely left Alli’s family since the shooting and Connor wants to stay with her.  Fiona went home to New York after the funeral.  And most of the team is either home for a few days or trying to avoid everyone.

 

“We could call Luke and Becky, see what they’re up to and if they want to come with us,” I suggest.

 

“Yeah good idea,” Adam nods so I get out my phone and Drew starts driving in the direction of their house just in case.

 

“Hey we had to get out for a while you guys want to join us, we’re not really sure where we’re headed yet,” I tell Luke when he answers.

 

“That would be good,” Luke replies.

 

“We’ll pick you up, we’re already headed that way,” I inform him.

 

Luke says cool and hangs up, Clare hasn’t said a thing but she’s not crying now.  Drew pulls up to the Baker’s house, Luke and Becky are waiting outside.

 

“So where should we go?”  Drew asks when Luke and Becky are in the minivan.  “Clare?”  Drew questions when no one says anything.

 

“The a…no never mind,” she shakes her head as her eyes fill with tears again.   “Beach,” she says softly but Drew hears her and starts driving.

 

“I can reschedule my statement,” I offer while we drive.  Clare simply shakes her head which I take to mean I shouldn’t reschedule.

 

Drew parks at the beach; we all get out, walk along the sidewalk and then take off our shoes before we walk down to the sand.  Clare sits down in the sand so we all sit with her, after a couple of minutes Drew and Bianca decide to walk along the waters edge.  Then Becky decides to put her feet in the water so naturally Adam goes with her.  Luke stays with us for a short time but then gets thirsty and leaves us to get something to drink, he offers to get us something but Clare shakes her head again.

 

“Clare where’s your cross necklace?”  I inquire noticing that it’s missing.

 

“I dropped it in the sand,” she responds with an empty tone.

 

“Do you want me to help you look for it?”  I offer.

 

“No I don’t want to wear it anymore it’s a symbol of something I don’t believe anymore,” she replies dryly.

 

My eyes go wide and my chest gets tight, she’s losing her faith and she’s losing it so easily.  My family isn’t religious, I wasn’t raised with it and I don’t have the same beliefs that she does, or did, still I fear that Clare losing her faith so easily will mean she’ll lose an important piece of herself.  It’s not as though she went and explored the world to see different religions and decided that her faith just wasn’t for her.  She didn’t even explore herself, this was a decision she made suddenly and for no apparent reason.  She’s barely held onto a drop of the girl she was before that day, I saw her holding that glass shard and I’m really worried what losing her faith means and what it will do to her.

 

“Why?”

 

“How could there be a God that would allow such pain?  Why would he take Eli, Alli, Katie and everyone else that was killed?  Why would a loving God as I’ve been led to believe my entire life let these things happen.  How could Eli dying, Jake being wounded and Maya going crazy be a part of his plan?”  She wails but her tone is angry.

 

I don’t have an answer; I’ve only ever been in a church for weddings or funerals so I don’t even know how to begin to answer.  I do know that she can’t make this decision so lightly and I need to help her find her faith again or at least talk to someone that can help which is most definitely not me.  Clare brings her knees to her chest and puts her head down as my phone rings.  It’s my mom saying they need to pick me up so we can go to the police station for my statement.  I tell her where we are and that I’ll meet them at the street, grabbing my shoes I pull Clare up with me.  I walk her down to where Adam and Becky are standing in the water; well Adam is standing at the edge and really just watching Becky play tag with the water.

 

“Hey I have to go, keep an eye on her,” I say to Adam.  He nods and puts his arm around her, my instinct is to kiss Clare’s cheek but I don’t, just tell her I’ll see her later and start walking back to the street.  I see Luke walking back and I go over to him.  “Clare’s with Becky and Adam, I’m going to need your help but not today,” I tell Luke.

 

“What’s up?”  He asks.

 

“Clare’s losing her faith, or lost it, I’m really worried about what it will do to her.  She doesn’t even seem to have thought about it and I just feel like it’s detrimental to her to take something like that and without any thought just give up,” I inform him.

 

Luke nods but doesn’t say anything and I walk out to the street to wait for my parents while I worry that Clare’s lost herself and Maya’s lost her mind.

 

**(ADAM)**

“Hey Owen called, he’s on his way over with Zig and Tris,” Drew says walking up with his arm around Bianca.

 

“Good, Dallas went to give his statement,” I tell them.

 

“I’m going to sit down,” Clare announces and starts walking up the sand again.  We all follow her and sit back where our shoes are.  We sit in silence for a few minutes before Owen, Zig and Tris sit with us.  “How’s Maya?”  Clare asks.

 

“They have her super medicated, she’s basically in a coma but she’s conscious,” Owen answers.

 

Clare bites her lip and looks back at the sand.  She never told us why she screamed and broke the mirror this morning and I’ve been too afraid to ask.  Just like I’m afraid to ask why her cross necklace is gone, everyone else seems afraid to ask as well because no one brings it up. 

 

After a few minutes of silence Bianca leans against Drew and watches the water, Becky seems to think this is a good idea and leans against me.  Clare hasn’t looked up from the sand; Luke and Owen are talking about hockey to distract themselves while Zig and Tris are sort of digging in the sand with their hands.  After a couple minutes Clare puts her head down on her knees, she doesn’t seem to be crying just hiding.  She stays that way for almost half an hour before picking her head up.

 

“Owen can you take me home please?”  Clare requests.  

 

“We can leave, I’m sure the glass is cleaned up now,” Drew says.

 

“No you guys don’t need to leave you look like you’re having a good time,” Clare shakes her head.

 

“You screamed and smashed a mirror you don’t really think we’re not all going with you,” Bianca comments standing up and putting her arm around Clare’s shoulders.

 

Clare looks down ashamed, whether it’s for breaking the mirror or for why she broke the mirror I’m not sure.  We all walk together, parting only to go to two different cars but Owen pulls up behind us when we turn onto the road back to my house.  We park in the driveway and Owen parks on the street; we get out and start walking for the basement when I hear people calling to us from across the street.  Or rather reporters calling to us from the other side of the street, and they start running over, they know our names and they’re asking a bunch of questions all at once.

 

“Adam Torres you were in the storage room when your best friend Eli Goldsworthy was shot what were you feeling?”

 

“Clare Edwards is there anything you’d like to say to the girl that wanted to kill you and killed your boyfriend when he tried to take her gun?”

 

“Tristan Milligan when Tori Santamaria was shot what went through your mind?”

 

“Zig Novak you knew the kids that brought the guns to school is that correct?”

 

“Drew Torres you carried Clare Edwards outside to safety do you consider yourself a hero?”

 

“Owen Milligan how were you feeling when you tried to save Eli Goldsworthy’s life?”

 

All the questions are fired off by the reporters at once, we can barely hear them and we’re trying to get to the basement but the the reporters are surrounding us.  Clare is shaking, she’s sobbing and she’s almost stopped walking.

 

“Move we’re not talking to reporters,” my brother says angrily.

 

“Don’t you want to share your story?  People have a right to kn…”

 

“NO THEY DON’T!”  Clare screams before the guy finishes.

 

“We have no comment, you want a statement go through my Mom first,” I respond while Zig and I take Clare and push our way through the reporters to get in the basement.  The others follow us and the reporters are smart enough to stay off our property.  Clare sits on the sofa and I put on the TV while everyone else sits down.  Drew sends a text to Dallas to let him know we’re home while I flip channels.

 

“You’re home, is anyone hungry?  There’s lots of food,” Mom offers coming down the stairs a little.  Everyone but Clare says they’re hungry and goes upstairs.  “Clare sweetie you need to eat, your mom brought fruit salad and your favorite biscuits,” Mom encourages.

 

“Come on let’s go eat,” I assert pulling Clare up.

 

There’s a buffet set up like every day because people keep bringing food over.  We get plates and start getting food when there’s a knock on the door.  Mom opens it and Mr. Simpson comes in with a woman I recognize but only because I’ve seen her picture around school. 

 

“Emma!”  Clare exclaims and everyone else looks over.

 

“Hi Clare,” Emma smiles walking over and hugging Clare tightly, Clare doesn’t hug her back and is still holding her empty plate.

 

“What are you doing here?”  Clare inquires.

 

“Is there somewhere we can talk?”  Emma asks.

 

“You can use my room,” I offer.

 

Clare sets down her plate but tugs at my sleeve so I guess I’m going with her.  Clare and I lead Emma up to my room, Clare and I sit on my bed while Emma sits in my desk chair.

 

“You know that Rick brought a gun to school and he was going to shoot me,” Emma says.

 

“Yes but that was entirely different, Rick brought a gun to school because he was bullied and when Sean and Rick struggled for the gun Rick was killed not Sean.  Talia, Damian and Harry were just psychotic, they wanted revenge but not on bullies and when Eli struggled for Talia’s gun he got shot and died!  You didn’t have to watch Sean die, watching him being drained of life isn’t the only thing you remember,” Clare responds in a voice filled with agony.  She’s crying again, tears streaming down her face and she looks at her hands.

 

“No but for a while the gun was the only thing I could remember, the gun and the sound of the gunshot,” Emma responds and Clare cringes when Emma says sound of the gunshot.  “You don’t have to talk about it right now Clare but you can’t keep it all inside forever.  I’ll be here through the weekend, Spin’s here too, he’s helping at the school,” Emma tells her.  Clare nods a little; Emma looks at her a few more seconds and then leaves my room.

 

“Clare…”

 

“I don’t want to talk about it Adam,” she cuts me off before I’ve even said anything.

 

“Okay you want to tell me why you screamed and smashed the mirror this morning or why your cross necklace and abstinence ring are suddenly gone?”  I inquire.

 

“I don’t believe in God anymore, I can’t believe that it was part of God’s plan to have Eli die that way, or Alli.  Or to have Jake be hurt and Maya go crazy, if God is that cruel I don’t want any part of it,” she says between choked breaths and heavy sobs.

 

I don’t think getting into a talk about faith is going to do any good right now; Clare won’t listen, not at the moment anyway.  So I venture to find out what happened in the washroom again.

 

“And what about the mirror?”  I ask slowly.

 

“I don’t want to talk about it, I’m not crazy Adam,” she responds but her voice has a desperation to it.

 

“No one said that you were but you need to talk Clare, Emma’s right you can’t just hold it all inside, you’re slowly imploding,” I tell her.

 

“I don’t want to talk; I don’t want to think about it.  I don’t want to talk about how I felt knowing Talia wanted me to die!   I don’t want to talk about how Eli died for me and I watched!  I don’t want to talk about how Alli was killed for no reason,” Clare’s tone is nearly hysterical and she’s crying so hard she can barely breathe.

 

“Then how about writing?”  Dallas’ voice in the doorway makes me look over.  He’s holding a couple of notebooks and some pens.   “You’re a writer you can write about it, I bought these but you don’t have to use them you can do it on a laptop but it would probably help to write,” he tells her coming in the room and sitting next to Clare.

 

“Write what?”  She asks but her crying has slowed.

 

“Anything Clare, write your feelings, a letter to Alli, do stream of consciousness writing it doesn’t really matter as long as you’re getting some of what’s inside onto the page because you won’t talk about it and I’m afraid it’s going to eat you up so much inside that you’re going to die too!”  I scold with annoyance, anger but most of all worry.  Clare bites her lip and starts crying a little harder but she does at least take the notebooks from Dallas.   I hug her tightly so she knows I’m not really angry at her and she hugs me back a little.  “I’ll go downstairs and get us some food and you some water, we can eat in my room,” I tell Clare and she nods.

 

I know Dallas will stay with her so I go downstairs, our plates are right where we left them, Clare’s was empty so I just put a little extra food on mine and grab a water bottle from the fridge.  I start walking upstairs again when I hear my bedroom door slam and Dallas is standing there.

 

“What did you do?”  I question with a reprimanding tone.

 

“Screwed up,” he replies.

 

“Obviously what did you say to her?”  I inquire.

 

“I told her that I was there if she wanted to talk or for anything she needed, and that I cared about her.  She told me no one could ever care about her like Eli did, I said that I did and I kissed her, and then she slapped me and told me to leave.  She pushed me out and slammed the door in my face.  I know kissing her was probably bad but…”

 

“Relax I know your intentions were good, I’ll talk to her so she knows, you should probably go downstairs,” I tell Dallas.  He hangs his head and starts walking downstairs, I knock on the door to my room but Clare doesn’t answer.  “It’s just me, Dallas went downstairs,” I assure her and she opens the door.

 

“I need some air,” she says taking the biscuit off my plate.

 

“I’ll come with you,” I tell her.

 

“No I’m just going to sit on the steps outside the kitchen, I’ll be back in a few minutes I just need a minute,” Clare tells me.

 

She’s not crying she’s actually rather calm; maybe the kiss from Dallas shocked her into reality.   She takes the water bottle and gives me a sad smile.

 

“Okay, I’ll be in the basement but I’ll come get you if you’re not inside in a few minutes, and be careful of the reporters,” I tell her.

 

She nods and we walk downstairs together, I tell Mom Clare needs some air and Mom nods.   Mom opens the kitchen door for her and I watch Clare sit on the top step, Mom closes the door and I go down to the basement.

 

“Where’s Clare?”  Dallas asks when I sit down on the sofa.

 

“She’s sitting on the outside steps, she needed some air, I told her I’d come get her if she wasn’t inside in a few minutes,” I reply before I start eating.

 

“Is she still mad at me?”  Dallas asks.

 

“Why what’d you do?”  Drew questions.

 

“It’s fine he meant well he just wasn’t thinking, something you’ve done plenty of times,” I remind my brother.

 

“That’s for damn sure,” Bianca chimes in and Drew grimaces at her so she kisses him.

 

I watch TV while eating my food and when Clare hasn’t come back in I set down my plate and go outside to check on her, only Clare’s not on the step.  I start to panic but before tell myself I’m panicking needlessly since it’s possible she came back in and went up to my room instead of facing Dallas, which is totally something Clare would do.   So I take my plate and go upstairs, I put my plate in the sink and go up to my room but Clare’s not there, she’s not in the washroom, Drew’s room or my parent’s room either. 

 

“Did Clare come inside?”  I ask when I go downstairs again.

 

“No we haven’t seen her, is everything okay?”  Mom asks.

 

“She isn’t here, we need to find her,” I reply while running downstairs again.  “Clare’s gone, split up and find her I’m worried about what she might do,” I command.

 

“Bianca and I will check her house,” Drew says and I nod but I doubt she’s there.

 

“Dallas you and Zig start driving west, Owen take Tris and go east, Dallas see if you can borrow your parents car, I’m taking Dad’s,” I order.

 

“Where are you going?”  Dallas asks.

 

“I think I know where she’s gone, at least I hope so but I need to go alone.  If anyone else finds her call me,” I tell them and run back upstairs.  I tell Mom I’m taking her car, grab my keys and run out to her car jumping in.  The entire drive I look for Clare, I don’t see her before I reach my destination and I park in the trees so she doesn’t run when she hears the car. 

 

I approach slowly, this abandoned church holds a lot of memories, I threw a party for Fiona here, Eli went a little crazy when he thought Clare would break up with him.  The three of us spent many hours here together.  I see Clare now she’s sitting on one of the broken walls, crying and holding a piece of jagged metal in her hand, hovering the metal above her right wrist.   I run over grabbing the metal from her hand and tossing it away.

 

“CLARE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!” 

 

“I SHOULDN’T BE ALIVE ADAM TALIA WANTED TO KILL ME THAT DAY!  ELI’S DEATH NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED; HE DIED TRYING TO PROTECT ME!”  She screams back.

 

“I know but killing yourself isn’t going to bring Eli back, it isn’t going to make it so that day never happened!  You’ll be dead and I’ll have lost both my best friends!  You can’t kill yourself and leave me because I need you Clare!  I was there that day too, I watched Eli die too and I won’t watch you kill yourself to be with him!”

 

“He loves me Adam, he died to save me and I have to be with him!”

 

“In what fucked up world does that make sense?!”  I demand.

 

“I HEAR HIS VOICE ADAM!  I HEAR HIM TELLING ME HE LOVES ME AND NO ONE ELSE WILL EVER LOVE ME!”  She shrieks and then takes a deep breath sinking down against the wall.  “I hear him just like I hear you and I’m not crazy,” she cries and her voice is begging for me to agree with her sanity.

 

I sit down next to her and put my arm around her, “I believe you Clare and I don’t think you’re crazy.  I think you feel guilty because you lived and Eli didn’t.”

 

“But I shouldn’t have, she wanted to kill me, she meant to kill me!  I should have died, she had the gun pointed to my temple, I can still feel the heat from the gun barrel.  I was supposed to die but Eli stopped her, and now he’s dead!”

 

“He died saving you Clare, Talia wanted to kill you to be with Eli and he died saving the girl he loved.”

 

“I’m not worth that sacrifice, how could my life be traded for his!” 

 

“No one said it was but Eli loved you enough to risk his life saving yours.  He died saving you, he wanted you to live Clare but if you commit suicide it doesn’t save anyone and I lose both of the best friends I’ve ever had!  You can’t do it, I need you Clare, I need you here and alive, so you can’t kill yourself because I need you.  Eli doesn’t need you anymore but I do so you have to stay with me,” I command her but my tone is also pleading.   Clare looks at me with a hugely remorseful look and takes my hand.

 

“He’s gone Adam,” she says as her tears come a little harder and she puts her head on my shoulder.  “He’s dead but his eyes won’t leave my mind.  He shouldn’t have died, he stopped her because he loved me but I hated him Adam,” she confesses.   “I was so angry at Eli for the way he broke up with me, for not talking to me, for sneaking out to a party and taking drugs.  I could barely look at him and then we were in that room and Talia had that gun to my head and all I could think was I was going to die and then Eli stopped her.  He tried to take the gun and he got shot, I hated him and he knew I hated him so why would he die for me?”

 

“Because he never stopped loving you Clare, because Eli would do anything for you and he knew that even though you hated him you still loved him too.  He’s dead but he’s not gone, we’ll keep alive in our hearts and our memories,” I tell her.

 

“But all I remember are his eyes going dark as he died,” she counters picking her head up from my shoulder.

 

“Because you have PTSD Clare, I watched Drew go through it I know what it looks like.  You can talk to him about it; he’ll tell you that it gets better.  Eventually you’ll be able to remember more and the better memories will come back and outweigh the bad ones again.  When you hear Eli’s voice it’s your own guilt Clare, you don’t honestly think Eli would risk his life to save you and then want you to kill yourself?  As much as you guys went through, as many ups and downs as your relationship had and as much as he despised to see you with other guys all Eli ever wanted was for you to be happy Clare.”

 

“How can I ever be happy again when all I can think about is Eli dying?  If I even start to think about it I feel like I’m betraying him, betraying what we had.  Eli died for me how am I supposed to be happy?  How can I ever be with anyone else?  No one else will ever love me the way Eli did,” she says her voice is strained again and her tears are coming faster.

 

“You’re right no one else will ever love you the way Eli did but if you let them they can love you in their own way.  Me for one, I’ve loved you just as long as Eli has, in a totally platonic way but I love you Clare.  More importantly I need you, I need you to help me mourn the loss of my other best friend, I need you to let me cry on your shoulder and I need you to let me yell and scream and understand.  I need you to talk about Eli with me because no one else in this world knew him like we did.  And I’m gonna need you for the rest of my life because you understand me in a way no one else ever will.  And I’m not the only one, Dallas needs you a…”

 

“No,” Clare shakes her head, “no I can’t.”

 

“Yes you can Clare, I’m not saying to start dating Dallas right now but don’t close yourself off to it because you feel some warped sense of loyalty to Eli, he wants you to be happy.  If you let him I think Dallas can make you happy.  He likes you Clare, he cares about you and I think you could both be good for each other.  I know you’re not ready for a relationship but don’t completely shut out the possibility.  You won’t be hurting this much forever Clare, the worst possible thing you can do is cut yourself off and find when you are open to the possibility Dallas is gone.”

 

Clare is quiet; she bites her lip looking at her hand that’s holding mine.  I can see the wheels turning in her head; she grips my hand a little tighter like she’s trying to feel what’s real.  I hug her a little tighter but I don’t speak, I know her she just needs a minute.

 

“I’m sorry Adam,” she apologizes looking right in my eyes for the first time in days and for the first time since the shooting I see a piece of my best friend back.

 

“Don’t be sorry just don’t ever scare me like that again,” I reply.

 

“I promise,” she says with a soft smile and kisses my cheek.

 

“Are you ready to go home?  My home of course I’m not letting you go back to your place for a long time,” I tell her.

 

“Can we make a couple of stops first?”  She requests.

 

“Yeah where do you want to go?”  I ask her.

 

“First the cemetery, I need to say goodbye.  I really didn’t do it at the funeral I wasn’t ready.  I’m not really ready now but I need to try,” she tells me.

 

“Good, I’m proud of you it’s a big step, so where are we going after that?”

 

“The hospital to see Maya, I didn’t want to see her because I was sure I was going to end up in the room next to her.  And I want to see Jake again,” she responds.  I stand up and give her my hand to help her up, we walk to the car and I text Drew that I found her and we’ll be home in a while but we have a couple of stops first.  “Adam,” she says when we’re in the car and I look at her, “I love you too.”

 

“You better,” I respond and she giggles just a little but there’s actual amusement in her voice.  She’s coming back, bit by tiny bit she’s coming back.  It could take years before she’s truly back to the Clare that she was and there will always be a damaged part of her because of what happened.  But I didn’t lose her today and I very easily could have.  “You ready to do this?”  I ask her when we reach the cemetery.

 

“No, not even a little but I need to do it,” she replies as we get out of the car.

 

“I’ll be with you the whole time,” I tell her putting my arm around her.

 

We walk through the cemetery gates and head for Eli’s headstone to say our goodbyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Promise not to Chase You, Only to Embrace You

 

**(CLARE)**

The soft grass is crushed under my shoes as I walk across the cemetery to Eli’s headstone.  Adam holds my hand tightly and I freeze when I see Eli’s headstone.  I didn’t see it at the funeral, I didn’t see much of anything at the funeral, I haven’t seen much since the shooting.  They black stone with the silver writing suits him, the inscription is simple, Eli’s name date of birth and of death under which it says beloved son. 

 

“You left me,” I spit angrily at the head stone because Eli is not here for me to be angry at.  “You left me Eli, you died to save me!  Why?!  Why would you do something so heroically idiotic?  I hated you Eli!  I loathed you for taking drugs and breaking up with me!  I was so mad at you I couldn’t even look at you in the hall, I couldn’t even look at a picture of you,” I say in a voice that starts out angry and strong but wavers at the end as my eyes fill with tears.  Hot angry tears, salt water that stings my eyes with pain and sorrow, I sink to my knees in the grass and Adam kneels beside me.

 

I take a deep breath wiping my tears and squeezing Adam’s hand.  I try to speak but my voice becomes lost in my throat, the words strangled by emotion. 

 

“Take your time Clare, I’m here,” Adam assures me and I nod taking another deep shuddering breath.

 

“You died to save me was it worth it?  Was your life worth the trade for mine?  I don’t think it was, I don’t believe it’s fair that you died so I could live!  Did you do it out of love?  Did you wrestle with the gun to save me because you still love me or was it an impetuously crazy moronic decision made in the heat of the moment?  Either way I wish it had never happened.  I wish you hadn’t stepped in front of the gun and wrestled Talia for it.  I hated you but I still cared for you and I miss you so deeply it hurts!  You’ve left me for good this time and I hate you for it but I’m left with this incredible empty pit because I miss you.  The pain is so deep because I know I will never see you again, not in the flesh but I see you everywhere and it hurts.  Seeing you and hearing your voice everywhere I go, in my mind because you never left but I can’t touch you, or yell at you or laugh with you.  You made the decision to try and take the gun and stop Talia but I didn’t get a say in it and I’m angry about that!  Angry at you, at God!  No one asked me if my life was worth it!  How stupidly heroic of you to sacrifice yourself for me and for what?!  I’m here and Adam’s here and we don’t have you and we never will again.  How do I live up to you giving your life for mine?  How do I ever look at your parents again?”

 

I’m crying too hard to go on and while I haven’t been yelling I’ve been growling with anger and agony, my throat is dry from crying and my body is shaking barely able to hold the emotions inside.  I sink down more into the grass and Adam sits putting his arm around me.  I’m sure he has things to say to Eli too but he’s remaining silent for the time being.

 

“I love you Eli, I never stopped loving you.  You broke up with me and I hated you for it, I hated you for taking drugs and not talking to me, for pushing me away and the way you made me feel.  I hated you and it hurt to see you in the halls, to think about you, to look at your picture, it hurt so much.  But the pain of knowing you’re really gone, the emptiness that’s left within me because you’re dead hurts so much worse.  Our last fight will never be resolved, I’ll never know your reasons and you’ll never see my face when I tell you how much you hurt me.  You’re dead and all I’m left with, all we’re left with,” I correct looking over at Adam, “is memories and pictures.  I hate you Eli, I’m mad at you and I’m probably going to carry that with my guilt for a long time.  But I love you and I always will and I miss you so much it hurts.”

 

I turn into Adam a little, gripping my best friend tightly and weeping on his shoulder.  After a minute I realize he’s crying too, both of us clinging to other and mourning the loss of someone we both love.  We stay like that for a while, letting the tears pour out in an endless stream until they just stop, at nearly the same second Adam and I just stop.  Releasing the other from our embrace and wiping the remaining tears from our face.  Adam stands and helps me up, I walk to the headstone taking off my abstinence ring and holding it between two fingers.

 

“Always thought you’d get this one day, that you’d put it on your necklace on our honeymoon right after we made love for the first time.  That night can never be now but you should still have it,” I say brushing my fingers over the smooth top of the headstone, placing the ring down on it and then turning to walk back to Adam.

 

“You still want to go to the hospital?”  Adam asks me.

 

“Yeah I do, I think we need some water first though,” I comment and Adam smiles.

 

We walk back to the car in silence and he drives us to the hospital, we both get bottles of water from the vending machine and open them on the way to the elevator.  We’ve both finished the bottles by the time we get to Maya’s room.  Maya is sitting in her bed, her legs curled up and her arms around them as she stares into nothing.  Her eyes are blank, she’s heavily medicated and you can see how it stagnates her mind.  She doesn’t even look over at us when we come in.

 

“Hi Maya,” Adam says quietly to announce our presence and now she turns her head to look at us.

 

“Hi,” she replies and even her voice sounds blank.  “Zig said you weren’t doing so good,” she comments looking at me but her expression is still blank.

 

“I wasn’t, I probably should have been in here with you but I realized some things today.  It’s not our fault Maya, what Talia, Damian and Harry did it’s not our fault, we don’t have to take responsibility for their actions but we have to learn to let go and grieve,” I advise her and see Adam grin from the corner of my eye.

 

“I don’t want to grieve, I don’t want to feel it hurts too much,” Maya replies and it’s the first time I hear any emotion in her voice.

 

“I know but it’s better than this,” I comment motioning around her hospital room.

 

“You’re not alone Maya, you still have friends and people that care about you,” Adam tells her.

 

“Whatever you’re feeling it’s okay to feel that way, if you’re sad or angry or guilty it doesn’t matter it’s okay to feel that way but you have to let yourself feel it Maya.  Drowning your emotions in medication and numbing the pain might feel better right now but if you never let the emotions out they’re going to eat you away from inside.  Mine almost did, I’d hold everything in and then explode, I was afraid to talk about it, tell people what I was feeling and all this time I felt like I was making it I was really imploding.  I was ready to kill myself today and join Eli until Adam stopped me.  You can’t hold it in, you have to get it out somehow or you’re dead anyway.  We’re going to see Jake downstairs do you want to come?  I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you,” I suggest.

 

Maya looks at her hands, I guess thinking whether she wants to see Jake or not and then she finally nods.  She stands up and ties her robe, she has on a pink hospital gown and pink slippers with a pink hospital robe, she looks like a piece of cotton candy with blonde hair.  We walk out of her room and to the reception desk.

 

“Nurse Ryder,” Maya speaks and the plump nurse with dark brown hair and thick glasses looks up, “can I go downstairs to see a friend in the hospital?  Clare and Adam will be with me the whole time.”

 

“Yes that’s fine Maya, bring her back when she’s ready,” the nurse says to us.

 

Adam tells her we will and the three of us go down to Jake’s room.  Glen isn’t here, either he went to eat or actually went into work today.

 

“Hey you look better Clare,” Jake grins.  I could barely stand to look at him last time, it wasn’t just that Jake looked so bad it was everything; he was alive when Eli and Alli weren’t, he was hurt and I was afraid of losing him too.  “Hey Adam good to see you, hey Maya I heard you were upstairs,” Jake says smiling at her.

 

“Yeah I went a little crazy,” she replies with a smile trying to make it a joke.

 

“How do you feel now?”  Jake asks her.

 

“I don’t know, still heavily medicated,” she responds.

 

“Yeah me too,” Jake laughs.

 

“Any word about when you might get out of here?”   Adam asks Jake.

 

“Doc says I’ll be in here another week at least, depends on how I heal and then it will be a couple weeks of resting at ho…”

 

BANG a loud metal clang resounds through the hospital hallway!  All four of us jump and I at least audibly gasp but I’m sure Maya did too.  My eyes close and I grip onto Adam as does Maya and he grips both of us.

 

“You guys too?”  Jake asks when the sound has faded away and I release Adam as he releases me and Maya.

 

“Loud noises, doesn’t matter what it is I always hear the sound of a gun,” I nod.

 

“Me too it doesn’t matter what the noise was I hear the gun,” Maya says.

 

“We all do, we probably will for a while,” Adam speaks up.

 

“I don’t remember much about that day, just a lot of blood and Tori’s head exploding, and Tris getting shot and going down.  After that it’s all kind of a blur but I remember the sound of the guns,” Maya tells us and I’m pretty sure it’s the most she’s talked about it since that day.

 

“I was in the hall with Mo and Marisol she was trying to get me to talk to Katie and ask her to prom, and then this kid appeared, he pulled out a gun and I thought it was joke.  I think I even laughed, it just seemed so absurd that a kid would have a real gun at school.  Then he shot at Alli, Dave and Jenna who were close to us and Alli went down, there was so much blood.  I realized it was real and I turned to run and then it was all dark and I woke up in the hospital, I didn’t even hear that Katie and Marisol had died until a couple days later,” Jake admits.

 

“I was with Eli, we heard all this popping and we saw you guys getting shot at.  We fled and hid in a closet until Talia called for Clare over the intercom.  Eli blamed himself and we were worried, we had to go find you.  Mostly I remember being scared, terrified that Talia or one of the others was going to kill you, or Eli or Maya or Zig.  It’s all I could think that entire time, that I was going to watch one of my friends die and I did,” Adam says his voice faltering at the end and I hug him. 

 

“All I remember is blood, lots of blood and Eli’s eyes going dark and the sound of the gun.  I know Talia was calling for me but I don’t remember it, or Drew carrying me outside or even anyone else being in the storage room.  I know you were both there, I know Dallas and the others came in but I don’t remember it, it’s like the memories are there but they’re…locked away,” I confess.

 

“They probably are, locked away until you’re ready to deal with them,” Adam comments.

 

“Yeah I haven’t even thought about the fact that Katie’s dead, I just can’t I think I’m afraid to,” Maya reveals to us looking at her hands.

 

“I haven’t grieved for Alli at all, I know she’s dead but I’ve been so consumed with Eli and my guilt I just haven’t even thought about anyone else.  I could hardly hold a thought in my head other than…” I stop and look at Adam I’m not sure I should say it.  “I wanted to join Eli,” I say quietly and everyone is silent.  “I don’t anymore, I mean I do but not like I did, I don’t think better is the right word but I don’t feel so much like I’m drowning in guilt and anger anymore.”

 

“Good because I’m not losing you too,” Jake says and Adam nods.

 

We fall into silence again and then Maya says she’d like to go back to her room.  I kiss Jake’s forehead then Adam and I walk Maya back up to her room. 

 

“Thanks for coming by and taking me to see Jake, I think it helped,” she tells us getting back on her bed.

 

“We’ll come back soon but hopefully you’ll be out of here soon too,” Adam smiles.

 

We both hug her and just as we’re leaving her room I see her pick up a notebook from the table by her bed.  Adam and I go back down to the car, helping Maya helped me in a way but now that we’re back in the car I feel like crying again.  Adam sees or maybe he just knows, either way he reaches over taking my hand and squeezing, I look at my best friend giving him an appreciative, albeit small, smile.

 

**(DALLAS)**

After Adam sent the text that he found Clare Zig and I went back to my house, Drew and Bianca were already here, Owen and Tris show up a few minutes later.  We sit there watching TV for a while, Adam texts Drew again to say that they’re making a couple of stops.  All I can think about is how badly I screwed up, that I pushed when I shouldn’t have and now she hates me and I made things so much worse for her.  The longer they take to come home the more worried I become.  Audra comes down to tell us to eat some dinner and we go upstairs for food, I don’t eat much though I’m just thinking about how Clare must hate me and wondering why they’ve been gone so long.  The sun goes down, most of the adults leave and still Clare and Adam haven’t returned, finally the basement door opens and they come in.  My instinct is to run over and hug Clare but I stop myself.  


“You guys were gone forever what in the hell were doing for all that time?”  Owen inquires guess he was worried too.

 

“There was some stuff I had to do, we went to the hospital to see Maya and Jake though,” Clare tells us.

 

“Well you look better, less crazy,” Drew comments earning him simultaneous slaps from Owen and Bianca.

 

“That’s okay Drew’s right, I was crazy I probably should have been in with Maya but I realized some things,” she comments and then looks up at me.  “Dallas can we talk?  Umm alone,” Clare says looking around at everyone.

 

“You can use my room again,” Adam speaks up.

 

I motion for her to go first and follow her upstairs, when we get to the first floor Audra asks if she wants something to eat and Clare says in a bit.  I follow her up to Adam’s room closing the door behind us, I know she wanted to talk but I want to apologize before she tells me she hates me and I’m an idiot. 

 

“I’m sorry I kissed you, I know it was an idiotic maneuver and I wasn’t thinking but I really li…” my rambling apology is cut short when Clare’s grabs my shirt and smashes her lips to mine.  It’s a quick kiss, her mouth remains closed and yet there’s a passion in it but I’m much to shocked to react and kiss her back.  “…ke you,” I finish when she pulls out of the kiss and I actually see a smile cross her lips, small and still sad but a smile none the less.

 

“Don’t be sorry for the kiss, I’m sorry I reacted the way I did,” she says taking my hand and pulling me to sit with her on Adam’s bed.  “I’ve been living in this fog of grief and anger and guilt since the shooting.  I’ve been present but far away at the same time, I’ve been drowning in my emotions and at the same time I haven’t let myself feel anything.  I realized today that I haven’t even grieved for Alli; I haven’t even acknowledged that she’s really gone.  I couldn’t even think about Jake being in the hospital, or Maya.  I was drowning more than anyone realized including myself, my guilt and anger, my conflicting feelings for Eli before he died they were manifesting themselves I think,” she admits to me.

 

She hasn’t looked up at me since we sat on the bed; she’s been staring at her hands.  I notice her abstinence ring is gone, I know she wasn’t having sex with Adam somewhere and I’d like to know what happened to it but right now is not the time to ask.

 

“Manifesting how?”  I ask cautiously.

 

“I was hearing Eli, hearing his voice and seeing him.  He would tell me he died for me and I should be with him, and that he would always love me and no one would ever love me again like he does, stuff like that,” she admits.

 

“Is that why you smashed the washroom mirror?”  I question and she nods.  “Wait the glass in your hand, you weren’t thinking…”

 

“I was,” she nods cutting me off before I say it, “and it wasn’t the first time or the last.”

 

“You were going to commit suicide!  Clare how could you think that Eli would want you to kill yourself!?”  I admonish her.

 

“I wasn’t thinking, I haven’t been able to hold a thought since Talia called my name over the intercom that day.  I’ve been run totally by a storm of emotions since then, I haven’t been thinking at all just existing.  Eli died, he died to save me, we were fighting and I hated him but I still loved him too and then he was just gone.  Gone forever and now there’s this empty feeling inside that won’t go away and this pit of guilt because Eli died when the gun was aimed at me.  I lost Eli, I was guilty and angry and I couldn’t deal with it, I couldn’t deal with anything which is why I slapped you when you kissed me.  You’ve been my rock Dallas, you and Adam both and even though I’ve been living in a fog I know how much you’ve done for me.  I know I couldn’t have made it this far without both of you and while I’m not thinking of suicide anymore I’m far from healed,” she says pausing for a breath.

 

“Not being suicidal anymore is a good first step,” I smile but she doesn’t react.  I want to hold her or hold her hand but I’m afraid she’ll push me away again. 

 

“I don’t know how I feel about you Dallas,” she says looking up at me, “I don’t really know how I feel about anything right now.  I don’t feel like I need to kill myself and join Eli to set things right anymore but I’m still this storm of emotions.  I’m still angry and even though I know it wasn’t my fault they shot up the school and Talia wanted to kill me I still feel guilty that Eli died to save me.  I still feel swallowed by hate and I still love Eli, I miss him.  I haven’t let myself feel but I’ve needed you and I still do.  I need to sort out all these feelings inside me before I can even begin to explore how I feel about you and it’s probably going to take some time.  I know it’s really selfish of me but I was hoping you’d still be here and be my rock and wait until I’m ready?”

 

“I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you thank goodness.  I didn’t mean to push you Clare, I know you’re still hurting and you take whatever time you need to deal with Eli’s death, and Alli’s and the shooting.  I’ll be here however you need me just promise to talk to me, or Adam or at least write so you don’t go thinking about hurting yourself again,” I tell her.

 

“I promise, and thanks for buying me the notebooks, I do think writing is a good way for me to deal with some of this.  I could maybe try talking too although I’ve never been too good at that,” she says reaching over and taking my hand and I grin.

 

“So you want to tell me where your abstinence ring went?”  I ask her and she looks down again.

 

“I left it with Eli, on his headstone.  I always thought he’d be the one to get it someday so after yelling a lot and telling his headstone everything I wish I could tell Eli I left it there, it just seemed right,” she tells me.

 

“And what about your faith?”  I question hoping her breakthrough today has brought her some clarity regarding that matter.

 

“I don’t know, I just…I don’t know, I don’t think I believe anymore.  How could God be so cruel?  How could any of this be part of God’s plan?  If God is that cruel then I don’t want to put my faith in him.  I just…don’t know,” she says slowly.

 

“I don’t know how to help you with that Clare; I don’t think that you should decide something so important right now.  You can’t even explore your feelings for me but you made the life altering decision to stop believing in God and no longer have a faith you’ve had your entire life?”

 

“I told you I wasn’t ready to explore my feelings for you because there’s still so many other emotions inside me,” Clare tells me with an agonized tone, letting go of my hand, standing up and walking across the room.

 

“I know Clare but that’s my point,” I tell her getting up and walking across to her I take her hand with mine and when she doesn’t pull away from me I pull her to me a little.  “This is not a decision you should be making so lightly, I’m not saying that it’s the wrong decision exactly.  If ultimately you decide that you no longer believe in God then that’s your decision but you shouldn’t make it so lightly and so spontaneously.  This is a decision you need to explore, you need to see how you truly feel about this and I’m not qualified to help you but Luke and Becky can, will you talk to them tomorrow please?”  I beg her.

 

She bites her lip and looks down, she’s silent and still for a few seconds and then nods, “Okay.”

 

“Good I’ll call Luke, are you ready to go downstairs?”  I question and she nods before kissing my cheek. 

 

She keeps hold of my hand and we walk downstairs again, Clare stops in the kitchen to get some food and then we continue on to the basement.  She sits on the sofa and I call Luke, he says she can come over tomorrow after breakfast, I tell Clare and she nods in agreement so I tell Luke she’ll be there. 

 

“So how’d it go upstairs?”  Adam questions following me to the fridge when I get up to get some water.

 

“Good, she needs time and I’m giving it to her and promised I’d be here for her until then,” I reply.

 

“I knew you would do the right thing,” Adam smiles.

 

“She told me about her ring and I have an idea, you want to run an errand with me tomorrow?”  I question.

 

“Sure,” Adam says.

 

We sit down again; I sit next to Clare taking her plate when she’s done eating.  Owen leaves with Tris and Zig around ten, the rest of us stay up until after one.  Drew and Bianca go upstairs and Adam prepares to sleep on the sofa, I don’t know if Clare wants me in the bed tonight even though I have been the last few nights.

 

“You’re still sleeping in the bed with me aren’t you?”  Clare asks.

 

“If you want me to,” I reply.

 

“I want you to, I feel better when you do, I think I sleep better when you do despite the nightmares,” she responds and I smile.

 

Clare gets ready for bed and as soon as I’m in the bed with her she falls asleep.  She wakes up with a gasp and sobbing, I sit up and hold her and she cries on me, Adam comes in sitting next to her and rubbing her arm.  After a little while of crying she tells us she’s okay now and Adam says goodnight going back to the sofa.  Clare lies down again and we fall asleep, staying asleep until late the next morning when we smell breakfast.  We go out to the main room, Drew and Adam grin at us.

 

“There’s waffles and fruit and muffins and a bunch of other stuff.  Bianca’s in the shower and Owen called they’re headed to the hospital to see Maya but they’ll come by later,” Drew informs us.

 

“Are you hungry?”  I ask Clare and she nods so we go upstairs to get breakfast.

 

“Hey Kid,” says a guy with short brown hair with his arm around a girl with long blonde hair.

 

“Hi Spinner,” Clare smiles and hugs him and then the girl.  “Dallas this is Spinner and Emma, Emma is Principal Simpson’s daughter and Spinner used to date my sister Darcy,” Clare explains.

 

“It’s nice to meet you,” I smile shaking their hands.

 

“You look better,” Emma tells Clare.

 

“I feel…well better may not be the right word but a little bit of the emotional fog I’ve been in has cleared,” Clare says and they smile.  Clare and I get breakfast, Spinner and Emma tell us they’ll come back later they’re going to help at the school then Clare and I go downstairs to eat.  Bianca joins us after a short time.

 

“You ready to meet with Luke and Becky?”  I ask Clare when we’re done with breakfast.

 

“I guess so,” she says.

 

“We’ll both take you over,” Adam tells her.

 

We get ready to go and I call Luke who says to come on over, we say goodbye to Drew and Bianca and take the car driving to the Baker’s house.  I walk Clare to the door and Luke says they’ll bring her back to the Torres house when she’s ready.  Clare still looks like she’s not sure about this but it’s something she needs to do.  I get back in the car, Adam moves into the front seat and I start driving.  We make two stops and we’re gone for over two hours, when we get home I see Luke’s car so I know they’re here, just as we park Owen’s car pulls up.  Adam and I get out just as they do and I’m happy to see Maya get out with them!

 

“You’re out!  Feeling better?”  I ask Maya hugging her.

 

“Yeah I think so; I don’t want to be in the hospital anymore.  I have some medications to help me and I spent most of the day yesterday writing music and lyrics.  It helped more than anything,” she tells us as Adam hugs her.

 

We all walk into the basement together, Drew, Bianca, Luke, Becky, Dave and Jenna are all in the basement and they all, including Clare, smile when they see Maya.  Everyone crowds around hugs her, telling her they’re happy she’s out. 

 

“You look less trapped in your head,” Clare says to her when she gets her chance to hug Maya.

 

“Yeah I am and I’ve been writing music, it’s been helping in a way talking can’t.  I have to be closely watched and I have medication but not feeling so crazy is a good feeling,” she says to Clare and Clare smiles.

 

I hold my hand out to Clare and she takes it, I bring her into my room and Adam follows, the three of us sit on my bed with Clare in the middle and she finally notices the bags in our hands.

 

“What are those?”  Clare queries.

 

“We’ll get to those in a moment, how’d it go at the Baker’s?”  I ask her.

 

“Fine I guess, I’m still not sure what I feel but you were right it’s not a decision I should make so rashly.  There’s a service tonight and I promised Luke and Becky I’d go will you both come with me?”  She asks nervously but with hope in her tone.

 

“Of course we will Clare,” Adam says and I nod.

 

“And can we go to the cemetery again?  I said goodbye to Eli but I need to say goodbye to Alli,” she tells us.

 

“We’ll even stop and get flowers first,” I reply and Clare smiles.  “I know you’re not sure about your faith right now but just in case I thought you might need another one of these,” I comment opening the bag in my hand and taking out the small box.  I open that and take out the silver band with the heart on it.  “Losing your faith doesn’t necessarily mean losing your abstinence vow.  If you decide you’re done with both of those for good then it’s just a pretty ring from a friend, if not then it’s your new abstinence ring,” I explain.

 

“Thank you Dallas it’s beautiful,” she smiles sweetly letting me slip the ring on her finger.

 

“And you might decide to wear your cross again one day but even if you never do I thought you could wear this.  If you want to wear a cross again it can be added to the chain,” Adam says taking the necklace from the bag and Clare gasps when she sees it.

 

“Adam no I can’t,” she shakes her head while Adam holds up Eli’s guitar pic necklace.

 

“Yes you can Clare; I got it from Bullfrog and Cece they were going to give it to you anyway.  We even had it engraved,” Adam tells her flipping over the silver guitar pic pendant to show Clare the engraving we chose.

 

**Eli You Are**

**Forever**

**in My Heart**

“It’s beautiful,” she says with a sad smile, her eyes welling with salt water.

 

Clare looks at the necklace hesitantly for a few seconds; I can see the debate in her eyes but I’m not entirely sure what she’s internally debating.  Then a sort of serene look of love crosses her eyes, she doesn’t say anything but she holds up her hair allowing Adam to put the necklace on her.  The metal hits her chest and she looks down at it, there’s a calmness and sort of happiness that comes over her knowing that she can now carry a physical piece of Eli with her always.  I smile at this sight with immense relief as I see just a little more of that emotional fog clear away from her.

 

Maya’s out of the hospital and Clare is finally starting to heal and come back from the edge.  Together and individually we still have a long way to go but little by little we’re finding our way out of the dark.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Ghosts in These Halls

 

**(CLARE)**

There’s this sound that grass in a cemetery makes when you step on it.  The sound isn’t like anything else, it doesn’t sound like normal grass, There’s a cold hallow sort of sound when your feet crunch down on cemetery grass.  It’s a sound I’m hearing right now as Adam, Dallas and I walk to Alli’s grave.  We pass Tori’s grave and I glance at it, the most interaction I ever had with Tori was around Eli’s play, I’m not sure we ever even spoke but suddenly a rush of memories of Tori flash over my mind.  Simple things like seeing her at play rehearsal and in the halls with Maya, Tris and Zig.  Yesterday I could barely even grasp the fact that anyone besides Eli had died, or at least I wasn’t letting it affect me.  Today I’m able to remember a girl I didn’t even know.  There’s an odd and grim sense of accomplishment in this fact. 

 

We reach Alli’s headstone and I just sort of freeze, looking at the headstone with my friend’s name.  I had all kinds of things to say to Eli but I just freeze and look at Alli’s headstone unable to speak.  It’s more than just not knowing what to say, I didn’t see Alli die, I didn’t see her body, it didn’t even really settle into me that she was dead until yesterday.  I wasn’t fighting with Alli when she died, the bullet that hit her hadn’t been meant for me, yet she’s gone and I’ll never see her again.  Rather than speak I start to cry, not the hysterical sobbing I’ve been doing lately but bawling over the loss of a friend.

 

Dallas holds me, careful not to crush the flowers we picked up for Alli.  He circles his arms around me from behind, holding me to his chest while I look at Alli’s headstone and cry.  Adam takes my hand not holding the flowers, squeezing it gently in a show of support.  After several minutes I stop, wiping the tears from my eyes and setting the flowers down.

 

“I miss you Alli, you were like a sister, we even fought like sisters.  It won’t be the same without you,” I tell her looking to the sky and not her headstone as I talk.

 

“DeGrassi certainly won’t be the same without you,” Dallas says.

 

“We miss you Alli,” Adam comments and we leave, walking slowly back to the car.

 

“You want to get some dinner before we go to the church?”  Dallas asks.

 

“Yeah I am a little hungry,” I nod.

 

“That’s good to hear,” Adam smiles.

 

We stop at Swiss Chalet for dinner and then we go to the Wednesday night service at the Baker’s church.  I promised Luke and Becky I’d come even though I’m still not sure how I feel about it all.  Dallas parks and we go inside, Luke and Becky greet us and they have us sit with them up front.  Since Becky sings in the choir she goes up to sing and then sits back down with us, she sits between her mom and Adam, he sits next to Luke and I sit between Luke and Dallas.  Reverend Baker’s sermon is about prayer, the sermon was good but in the end I’m still not sure how I feel.

 

“It was a nice sermon,” Dallas says as we’re leaving.

 

“Yes it was,” I nod.

 

“It’s going to take more than one sermon, I can come with you on Sunday if you want,” Dallas offers.

 

“Thanks,” I smile and kiss his cheek.

 

“I’ll come too,” Adam speaks up from the backseat.

 

“I know that, thanks both of you and I do want you both there,” I reply.

 

When we get back to the house everyone is still in the Torres basement, they’re watching TV but look at us when we come in. 

 

“How was the sermon?”  Maya asks.

 

“Good,” I reply sitting down.

 

“Did you go to Alli’s grave?”  Drew questions.

 

“Yeah we took her flowers, I had so much to say to Eli but all I could say to Alli was that I missed her,” I tell them.

 

“They’re going to open the school again on Monday,” Connor comments.

 

“What if I can’t go back?  What if all I see is Eli around the halls?  Or Alli?  Or hear Talia calling for me?”  I question gripping Dallas without even realizing it.

 

“I won’t be able to walk the halls without seeing Alli,” Jenna says softly.

 

“We’ll all go back together and if you can’t then you don’t have to.  Monday’s just going to be a memorial anyway,” Owen tells us.

 

“I’ll never forget working on the holiday edition of the DeGrassi Daily with you, Alli, Elli, K.C. and Connor.  Watching you and Eli reconnect, you two always did have something,” Jenna says with a smile.

 

“I’ll never forget Vegas Night,” Owen speaks up.

 

“I don’t think any of us could if we tried, pretty sure we all messed up that night,” Drew remarks.

 

“Speak for yourself my reasons for going with Fitz were totally unselfish and noble,” I respond.

 

“Until Eli poisoned him with ipecac,” Adam comments.

 

“That’s a story I have to hear,” Dallas says.

 

“The thing I remember most from that day is a very salacious kiss from Eli in the library,” I smile.

 

“I’ll never forget Eli breaking my nose at your surprise party,” Dallas adds and a few people laugh.

 

“For as crazy as he could be Eli was good at writing and directing plays, Romeo and Jules was great.  And we’ll just forget Love Roulette ever happened,” Jenna says and people laugh again including me.  “I’ll always remember working with Jake on the showcase, gossiping with Alli in the garden and a lot of sleepovers at her house before I moved in,” Jenna comments and I smile.

 

“Yeah remember when we’d wake up Sav and he’d get angry,” I giggle.

 

“I’ll always remember my first kiss with Alli.  There’s nothing like getting the girl you’ve been chasing forever,” Dave remarks and several of the boys nod in agreement.

 

“I’ll never forget going to the ravine for the first time with Alli because she wanted to see Johnny.  I was so out of place and got out of there as soon as I could,” I say.

 

“I’m surprised you even went,” Bianca remarks.

 

“I’ll always remember a party at Alli’s house and playing I never,” Drew comments.

 

“Yeah I thought Alli liked me back then,” Dave adds.

 

“How about her disastrous dance club debut at the football game,” Connor reminds us.

 

“Yeah that was awful,” Dave shakes his head.

 

“I’ll never forget how she got Simpson to give us a dance by raising math grades,” Bianca says.

 

“Yeah neither will I but only because Eli crashed his car that night,” I tell them and my smile fades.

 

“His feelings for you always were intense,” Adam agrees.  “I remember when Tori tried setting me up with Tris,” Adam remarks and we all laugh again.

 

“That was bad, Tori’s gaydar was never good, I made a good friend though.  The thing that sticks out for me is singing with her and Zig at the talent show.  Well that and Tori being my first kiss after Dallas and Luke locked me in the storage room,” Tris informs us.

 

“Dallas,” I admonish since Luke isn’t here.

 

“Hey in our defense we didn’t know he was Owen’s brother, it’s not like Owen told us,” Dallas replies.

 

“Yeah like there are so many other Milligans at the school,” Owen responds.

 

“We were jerks, we got better, we were trying to take over the school we weren’t thinking.  I also kissed someone I shouldn’t have in that room while she was tipsy,” Dallas says and I smile again.

 

“My best memories will always be with Whisper Hug,” Zig speaks up.

 

“Yeah mine too,” Maya smiles, “but I’ll never forget competing with Tori in the beauty contest.  I have so many Katie memories I’m not sure I can pick one,” Maya comments looking at her hands and Zig holds her close.

 

“I’ll never forget your sister getting mad at me for kissing you,” Zig says.

 

“Katie helped me I’ll never forget that, she came with me when I very nearly did something really really stupid.  She was there for support and even though it would have been really bad she let me figure that out instead of just telling me no.  Plus I always liked her with Jake,” I grin.

 

“Remember going up to the cabin?  You chasing after Jake and me chasing after Drew,” Bianca laughs.

 

“Yeah and then we spent half the night chasing after Clare in the dark woods, Jake was really worried,” Drew adds and I bite my lip.

 

“Yeah but Eli found me,” I grin.

 

“I remember Tori helping me get fake boobs so I could look more grown up and then throwing one at Owen’s head for making fun of me,” Maya says.

 

“Yeah the team still calls you Chicken Cutlet,” Owen remarks with a sheepish look.

 

“Alli was the first friend I ever made at DeGrassi and Eli was the first boy I ever fell in love with,” I comment getting sad again.

 

“Tori was my first girlfriend,” Zig says.

 

“She was the first one to accept me when I came out,” Tris comments.

 

“Eli and Clare were the first for me, aside from my family,” Adam comments and I smile at him.

 

Everyone stays late talking about memories, mostly happy ones of people that died or were hurt.  Connor and Jenna leave first since they have to be home but even they don’t have to leave until midnight.  A little before 2am Owen leaves taking Maya, Zig and Tris to his house, Dave also leaves at this point and Bianca is sleeping here.  She sleeps in Adam’s room and he sleeps on the sofa down here while Dallas sleeps in his bed with me.  I actually fall asleep almost as soon as I’m bed, I don’t stay asleep, I wake up from a dream but it isn’t a nightmare like they have been, I just wake up crying.  Dallas wakes up and holds me; Adam wakes up and comes in to comfort me until I fall asleep again.  I still wake up early and have this almost deep itch to write, I grab one of the notebooks and pens Dallas got me, then I take his Ice Hounds jacket slipping it on to keep the early morning chill off of me.  I quietly go out to the patio and sit on the bench as I begin writing endlessly in the notebook.  Page after page is filled by every thought that enters my mind.

 

“When did you wake up?”  Dallas yawns coming out and I look up from my writing for the first time.

 

“I’m not sure, very early, I needed to write.  I hope you don’t mind I borrowed your jacket,” I comment.

 

“Of course not, you can borrow anything of mine.  Is the writing helping?”  He asks sitting down with me.

 

“It is thanks for getting all this, I’ve almost filled this whole notebook,” I reply.

 

“I can get you more, are you hungry?”  Dallas questions.

 

“Actually I am hungry now that you bring it up, and my hand is beginning to cramp, guess I had a lot to get out,” I remark.

 

“That’s good though and I’m sure you’ll have a lot more.   Come on let’s go get some food,” Dallas says taking my hand and helping me up.

 

We go inside and I see that Adam is awake, or at least the sofa is empty, we go upstairs and find Adam, Drew and Bianca at the breakfast table. 

 

“You were up early this morning,” Adam comments as we grab some food.

 

“She was writing, a lot, she almost filled a notebook,” Dallas tells them and has almost a pride in his voice.

 

“Good, you know some people are doing things at the memorial on Monday.  Maya asked me, Jenna and Zig to do a song, maybe you should read something you’ve written,” Adam suggests.

 

“Yeah I think I can do that,” I reply.

 

“Well that’s a nice sight, a table full of kids eating and smiling,” Audra remarks when she comes down the stairs.

 

I look around the table and think about last night, all of us together, talking and smiling.  I’m not trapped in my head anymore, I’m not living like I’m under water anymore and getting back to normal, even a new normal doesn’t seem like an impossibility anymore.

 

**(DALLAS)**

“It’s not even a full day and we can leave any time you want,” I tell Clare handing her purse to her.

 

“I know,” she nods.

 

It’s Monday morning, it’s been almost exactly two weeks since the shooting and the first day school is officially open.  There are no actual classes today, we’re just gathering at the school, a glass memorial is being erected in the courtyard, we can go back in the school, talk to counselors and other such things.  Yesterday Adam and I went to church with Clare again I think she’s regaining her faith ounce by ounce.  As she slowly begins to heal she seems to be finding strength in her faith again and I feel like it’s putting pieces of her back.  Yesterday we also found out that Maya and Zig are dating.  Maya, much like Clare and the rest of us really, has a long way to go and a lot of healing to do but she’s happy with Zig you can see it.

 

“Most of the parents will be there today, including Eli’s are you going to be okay seeing them?”  I ask her and she grips Eli’s guitar pic necklace between her fingers biting her lip.

 

“Yeah I think so, I need to face them at some point, just stick close to me all day,” she requests.

  


“Promise,” I grin putting my arm around her.

 

We go out to the basement and find the others ready, while no one is as dressed up as they were for the church memorial service we’re all dressed nicer than we would be for a normal day at school.  Bianca drives herself and Drew and Adam rides with me and Clare.  It’s still early but the school parking lot is nearly full, I find a parking spot near Bianca and we all walk up together. 

 

“It feels…weird to be back here,” Clare says gripping my hand tightly as she looks at the school.

 

“Yeah not sure it will ever feel the same again,” Adam nods as we’re joined by Owen, Maya, Tris, Zig, Becky and Luke. 

 

Helen and Glen are here and come over to hug Clare but Jake will be in the hospital another week at least.  Alli’s parents are here; Jenna and Connor see us and come over along with Dave.  We all walk to where the memorial is, we can’t see it yet because it’s covered by a sheet but we go over.  Audra and Omar are already here they came early, food and coffee is set up and few reporters are here, I see a lot of kids from school but many are still missing.  Bullfrog and Cece are here though and they come over to us, Clare grips my hand and tenses slightly but she doesn’t run.

 

“You’re wearing the necklace, Eli would have wanted you to have it,” Cece says.

 

“Thank you for giving it to me, I can keep him close always now.  I’m really sorry he’s gone, I miss him so much and he…” she stops now unable to say it but we all know what she was going to say.

 

“He loved you Clare, we miss him too but it’s not your fault he died,” Cece says and hugs Clare.

 

“Good morning students, faculty, family and community members,” Mr. Simpson says from a podium on the stairs and everyone quiets down.  “I want to welcome you all to DeGrassi Community School.  Two weeks ago we were hit by a terrible tragedy and lost many students and staff, many more were injured and everyone’s life was changed.  One shooter was killed on scene, one remains in the hospital and the other is in prison until trial.  Today, today we begin rebuilding the school, our lives and our trust.  We’ll start today with the unveiling of the glass letters memorial,” Simpson announces and the covering is takes off.

 

It’s a curved glass wall about 7 feet high and 20 feet long, the glass is opaque white with gold lettering.  The lettering, carved into the memorial and then painted in gold, is things that were written on the bulletin boards at the repast.  We walk over to it with everyone else to look it over and read what’s on there.

 

_Three people went crazy and we all suffered._

_I sat with you until you were gone, so much blood, the color red will never leave my eyes._

_I miss you Katie the school won’t be the same with you gone._

_So many people gone in a blink of an eye._

_I’ll miss cheering with you Marisol._

_How could they kill so many people for no reason at all?_

_I didn’t realize how much Eli and Imogen made the school interesting, how much I liked Katie and Marisol’s gossiping, how much even Tori’s attitude brought to the school until it was taken away._

_All I hear is gunfire no matter what the noise._

_Lives cut too short by tragedy and others forever altered._

There are many many more, hundreds of them all over the wall.  Some are angry about what happened and others missing the people who died and others just lamenting the loss.  People are crowded around it, reading the words, feeling the glass.  Maya starts to cry when she reads one about her sister; Clare is gnawing on her lip and doing okay until about the fourth one she reads that says something about Eli and then the tears come.  I take her hand and pull her away from the memorial to the stairs leaning on the banister.

 

“We can go,” I offer and she shakes her head.

 

“No I’m okay I just need a minute,” she says leaning on me and I put my arms around her.  “I want to go into the school,” she tells me after a few moments.

 

“Are you sure?  Should I get Adam?”  I question.

 

Clare looks over to see Adam with his arm around Becky at the memorial still, “No I can do this.  I have to try anyway and I’ll be okay as long as you’re with me.”

 

“Okay you set the pace and decide where to go,” I tell her moving so that we can walk but keep my arm around her.

 

I do have to let go of her so we can go through the metal detectors but bring her right back into my arms.  She starts walking the halls, in totally the opposite direction as the storage room but it’s not like I was expecting her to make a bee line for that room, or ever go in again reallt.  She goes to the DeGrassi Daily office first; this is where she was when Talia called for her.  She looks around it and goes a little pale; I can practically see the memory play out over her eyes.  I whisper that I’m there and she nods, we wander the hall next and she begins to cry, I think we’re taking the path she took that day.  She stops at T intersection where the halls meet, looking at the wall and seeing some ghost of a memory instead of the wall.

 

I have to say the cleanup crew did an amazing job, there’s no sign of the gunfire or blood or chaos that there was that day.  If you didn’t know what happened you’d never guess, I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.  After all I imagine most of us will see the memories and the ghosts anyway. 

 

After a minute Clare moves again, we’re headed for the storage room now.  She’s gnawing her lip again and her steps become slow, she starts to shake a little.  I’m about to suggest we go back outside but she simply takes my hand and grips it tightly.  With a deep breath she walks to the storage room doors and stops.

 

“You don’t have to go in,” I remind her.

 

“I do, just hold me tight,” she replies.

 

I open the doors and tighten my grip on her; she takes exactly two steps over the door and then freezes.  She’s in the room at least but I don’t think she’ll go in any farther.  She looks at the floor, at the spot where Eli was killed and I know exactly what she sees.  What’s playing out in her mind, and before her eyes, by ghosts is the moment when he died and his eyes went dark.  She fingers Eli’s guitar pic necklace around her neck and squeezes my hand even tighter.  She’s shaking and sobbing now but she doesn’t run or move or even turn into me just keeps staring at that one spot.  I being to worry that she’s losing it again, becoming trapped in her head and overrun by emotions she can’t sort out and then she suddenly turns to me.  Not to hide her head as she continues to cry but to stand on her tiptoes and kiss me!  Her lips are saturated by salty tears, trembling as she sobs but the kiss is incredibly passionate.  She says nothing when she pulls away but we turn and leave the room, she’s ready to go back outside and we sit on the stairs a moment before joining the others.

 

“Where were you guys?”  Adam questions wiping some tears from her cheeks and Jenna hands her a tissue.

 

“Went in the school, to the storage room,” she tells them.

 

“That was a big step good job Clare,” Owen tells her and she smiles.

 

“I don’t think I’m ready to go in the school,” Maya says.

 

“We’ll go in together when you are,” Zig assures her taking her hand and kissing the back of it.

 

We all sit in a group in the garden; slowly other kids begin to join us.  Mo sits with us having been recently released from the hospital.  A lot of the kids from the play, or that were on the soccer team with Katie, or spirit squad with Marisol, also sit with us.  We talk of nothing at first, little everyday things and then we all begin talking about that day and we can’t stop.  Hours pass without us noticing until we hear Simpson over the speakers again.

 

“To close the ceremonies today some students will be preforming.  We’re going to start with an original song written and sung by Maya Matlin, score and music by Adam Torres also on bass, backup vocals and rhythm guitar by Jenna Middleton and lead guitar by Zig Novak,” Simpson announces.

 

Adam, Maya, Zig and Jenna go up on stage while the rest of us push our way to the front of the stage to see them.  Maya’s song starts out slow and builds to fast and angry and then back to slow.  The lyrics are all about that day, how scared she was, how she’ll never be the same and she lost a friend and a sister and how angry she is that it happened at all.  Watching her on stage you’d never know she was in the nut house just a few days ago.  Everyone claps when they’re done and several people, including me and Clare, tell them how good it was.  After that some kids from drama club put on a skit about the shooting, then Liam reads an essay and one girl reads one in the form of a letter.

 

“Thank you Katherine and our last presenter today is Clare Edwards reading an original poem,” Mr. Simpson says.

 

Clare takes a deep breath and lets go of me for the first time that day, she takes the poem from her purse and hands her purse to me to hold.  She walks slowly to the podium clearing her throat and spreading the paper out so she can read it, then takes a deep breath before speaking.

 

“This is called Seconds,” she says looking out at the audience and then looks back at the page to read.  “It took a second to hear my name echo through the school.  A second of shock turned to gut wrenching fear.  A second to see you, your cold eyes and the hate inside them.  The seconds all crashed together.  It felt like a dream, a nightmare and I hoped I would wake up in a second.  In that second and all the ones following the nightmare was real.  One terrible second, a second shattered by hate and by malice, one terrible second and the first boy I ever loved was gone.  That one second I see so clearly as he tells me he will always love me.  And then the boy with green eyes that sparkled was gone, in that second his green eyes drained of life and spirit went dark.  I hear the gunshot, an ever present echo in my mind and forever stuck in that second in time.  You took him from me, the boy with the green eyes that shone like emeralds in the desert sand.  Never again will I see him smirk, never again will I hear him say my name, never again will he touch my skin not for a single second.  So many seconds I will never get back and never see.  Alli, sassy girl with raven hair and smoky eyes, my friend, my sister and at times my foe, you were taken from me in a second and I wasn’t there.  In a second, the same one, a different one, another second shattered, my brother was pierced by lead and will always carry the scars.  I think of all the seconds I will miss, graduating with Alli, gossip sessions, flirting with boys, late nights giggling over boyfriends and all that gone, stolen from me in a second.  Would there have been a second that Eli and I were speaking again?  A second for us to makeup?  A second to kiss his lips one last time before he went to university?  A second to dance at prom or a second to be jealous of his prom date.  I will never know.  A second, a tiny little speck of time, a breath, a heartbeat, a kiss, a loving gaze, all happen in a second.  A seconds can shatter, the second did shatter, my life, my friends lives, my faith, my sanity and nearly the rest of my life.  A second that’s all it took one little second, a flash of time and the sound of the gun, a river of blood and life will never be the same.  So many gone in a second, so many lives changed in seconds, so many lives ruined, shattered and torn apart in seconds.  For every second for the rest of my life I will miss you Alli and Eli.  For every second that I live I will think of those we lost.  For every second I have with my brother and my family I will cherish.  For every breath I take I will whisper words to you Alli carried on the wind to you wherever you are.  For every beat of my heart Eli it beats that I too will forever love you.”

 

She finishes and about runs down the stairs, her eyes blurred with tears I’m sure she held in that whole time.  She returns to me coming straight to my arms while people are clapping for her.  Adam, Owen, Drew, Bianca and out other friends are telling her how good the poem is and how it touched them.  Mr. Simpson thanks everyone for coming and invites them to look around the school and talk to people, reminding us that school is officially back with classes tomorrow.  Clare is shaking so hard she can barely stand so I take her to the stairs and sit with her.

 

“We don’t have to come back for classes tomorrow,” I remind her.

 

“I’ll be okay as long as I have you,” she tells me with a deep breath.

 

“Like I told you before I’m not going anywhere,” I assert and she looks up at me locking her eyes with mine.

 

“Dallas, I know what my feelings are for you,” she informs me.

 

“Oh.”

 

She cups my face and connects her lips with mine for a tender kiss, “I like you.  I like you a lot, I care about you and I need you and I want to be with you.”

 

She doesn’t wait for an answer only smashes her lips to mine for a deeper kiss.  I smile, happy, really truly happy for the first time in two weeks.  For the first time since the shooting I feel new hope and new life in both of us and with a large grin I kiss my girlfriend.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was it I hope you enjoyed it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this little story despite the drama and suspense. Check out my other stories of visit my account on fanfiction for more.


End file.
